Fear vs me

I want to write my story. 

My mind is exploding with thoughts and memories, ready to be poetically written. Begging my hand to just pick up a pen. Please. But fear, I realized today, is standing there with a big ol’ stop sign. On the back, the inscription says “If you write it all down, then it suddenly becomes real. Everything you remember, all the hard emotions will all come rushing back. Then what, huh? You’ll be a mess. Just tighten that cap on the bottle my friend.”

Fear, will not be triumphant. I’m going to brush up on my karate skills, gather all the little courage men I can, and go kick fear and his stupid sign to the curb. 

If I can’t face my emotions, how will I reconigize them? If I can’t take a step back and see my role in all of this, then how will I learn? 

And you know what fear? I am strong enough. Yes, I might be a mess for a little while. But it’s just a hike through the woods. Rough and tough for a while, but at the other end? Sunshine and rainbows, baby. 

~Deej 

Time out 

I’m taking a time out. 

I’m going to disconnect and just be alone for a little while. 

No alarm clocks, and coffee breaks – whenever! I’m taking a little time for me. 

Life is too busy. We spend 12 hours a day trying to constantly please everyone around us. 6 hours, if we’re lucky, sleeping. And the other 6 hours being angry, disappointed, and jealous, wondering where our life went. “And how do I work 12 hours a day, but still have no money?!” 

I say F**K it. F**k it all. I’ve spent years trying to make everyone else happy. Working my butt off to life my dreams, just to have it all crash down on top of me. I’ve spent so much time being kind and polite, self sacrificing and forgiving. F**k it. This, is what I want. 

I’m going to drink coffee whenever I want. If I want to sleep for 12 hours, I’m going to turn everything off and sleep for 12 hours. 

I’m going to figure out my boundaries. See what I like, or don’t like. I’m going to spend hours reading a book, and basking in the hot sun. I’m going to treat myself to ice cream when it’s blistering hot, and I’m going to drink coffee all day. 

Right now, I just want to sit here. Listening to the Koke frogs sing their melodies, the mo’o’s cheering their latest catch, and the birds chattering as they settle for the night. 

I want to smoke weed until my head feels fuzzy, and contemplate the meaning of life. 

I might go to bed at 8, or 9, or 10 – maybe 11. I might keep my light on tonight so the rat doesn’t dare come through the screen I didn’t fix today. 

There are still moments where I feel guilty for sitting so still. Like the only plausible thing in life is being extremely busy. It’s the only way to everything you know. 

My family might not get it. My mom thinks I’m running away. Maybe? Maybe I was the lucky one that bolted from a potentially horrible situation. 

Some say I’m searching. Oh- absolutely! Is the world really just full of idiot people? Have all the smarts died? Clever fella’s, leaving us with technology to figure it out. Jokes on them I guess… 

I’ve been told I’m an old soul. Sometimes, I believe it. I feel like that old woman standing on the street corner in her nightgown. Shaking my fist and yelling in agony about how young kids live these days, their phones two inches from there face. It’s not making them smarter, it’s making them walk into things! 

I finally found a place where I can express my soul. Don’t we all derserve some happiness in our lives? 

Things, activities, jobs, people – they’re supposed to bring us pleasure, happiness,and contentment. “When things we thought mattered to us start giving us pain, we get to a point where we say F**k it!” ( F**k it by John Parkin). Even before I read this fabulous book, I said F**k it. F**k it to the boy that was always mean to me. F**k it to being micromanaged. F**k it to try and help you! I was drowning. In self pity, anguish and fear. My lungs were slowly being filled with one stress bubble after another. Until I just couldn’t breath anymore. So I said f**k it. Found the light and came up for some much needed air. Then got out of the water, and walked away. 

So f**k it. F**k it all. I’m in a time out. 

~Deej 

Hello July! 

Wow. Time flies. Where did June go? Looking back, it feels like a whirlwind. 

Suddenly, my schedule is filled with alarm clocks, meetings, juggling hours, and trying to keep work clients happy. Which means, managing my stress level, realizing my anger triggers, and lots of deep breathing! I was so focused on getting into a whole new routine, that I didn’t post at all! 

Really, as of this moment, I am working about 35 hrs a week for The Clean Gecko, 8 hours a week landscaping with a friend, housesitting for two places at once – taking care of chickens in one yard, and staying in a huge house with two Doberman’s…… no wonder I lose it when the vacuum doesn’t work. Ha. 

I would like to say that my soul is fully healed, and my heart doesn’t hurt anymore, but those words are not true. Coming back to Vernon has been a real challenge. To be completely honest with you, it took me a whole month just to fight the fear of being here, then once I could face it and actually arrive into town, it took me another couple of weeks to fight the fear to leave my home, hoping I will not run into him. 

Then I went through a week phase thinking this was all a mistake. That I never should have left my sanctuary in Hawaii. I was safe there, I didn’t have to answer to anyone, and I wasn’t stressed. 

I look back and realize the journey I have been on these last few months. This year is about me. It’s about facing my fears ahead on. I was scared to travel alone, so I booked a plane to Hawaii. My time there, was fabulous. I was scared to hike alone, afraid of the dark, of the solitude, and the physical strength it would take, so I booked ten days to hike across Vancouver Island. I made it from Victoria, to Nanaimo in 7 days, body aching every day from carrying close to 70 lbs on my back, and loved every second of it. After finally escaping a bad relationship, I was terrified of facing him. 

In fact, Hawaii was the first time in two years that I didn’t live day to day in fear. That’s where I learnt feeling the freedom from it. I was scared of being myself, because every day in the last two years, I was never allowed to be myself. Being back here again, I send an email, and spend the next 24 hours worrying about how it will be received. Being here, I feel afraid everyday again. In Hawaii, I spent my time outside, observing the land, feeling its power it had, and feeling connected. I studied the cycle of the moon, and woke up every morning remembering to be thankful. 

So to move on, to gain self reliance, and emotional strength, to not be afraid anymore, I had to face him. I had to look him in the eye and say, ” what you say won’t effect me anymore”. He doesn’t cherish me, he doesn’t respect me, he instills fear with ultimatums and leverage. Using my own words against me to make me feel quilt. He sends me emails everyday, even though I’ve said no, and stop. I’ve blocked him, but then he creates new ones, or emails one of my other emails, so I have to spend time blocking more. He’s tried hacking into my iCloud account, I spent one entire night in fear, thinking he would find me. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. 

So let me tell you this. 

NO ONE can force you to love, NO ONE can force you to hang out, or do something you don’t want. You have a right to your boundaries, whatever they are. You have the right to feel safe, to feel loved, cherished, and respected. 

The dragon fruit flower … when the stem breaks, it doesn’t die or wither, it continues growing, and creates new growth. A new flower blooms, and more fruit is produced. 

” in spite of the intensity of your feelings, you are still the competent, responsible person you thought you were. If fact, being able to feel so deeply is a testament to your strength and tenacity. People are strongest where the breaks are. Only by giving yourself over to the feelings, can you find your way out of them” 

So I might still be broken. But I have proven to myself that I am stronger because of it. This year, I am going to fix the break. I am going to spend time fixing myself, rather then someone else. I WILL BE STRONG. 

I see this quote on Facebook from time to time, and it echoes loudly in my head ” Fine, I’ll just date myself”. I’ve spent so much of my life trying to fix other people. I feel their sadness and battles, and think I can help. This time, I’m going to fix myself. 

Living in fear everyday is not being cherished or respected. This is not love. It’s possesive and controlling. I don’t have the freedom to be myself, to figure it all out. I don’t have the space to do something as simple as posting an update on social media, because then he knows my every move. 

IT IS NOT OK. 

– Deej 

My First Week back in Canada 

I am apparently still a little bit of a mess.

 

If felt easier being seemingly stable in Hawaii. Nobody knew me, it was like I was a brand new person. It was adventurous and I was always distracted. This week being back home has been kind of awful. I have been too tired to do anything, so really, all I have been doing is idling around with all these memories and moments bouncing through my head. Most moments wishing I was there instead of here.  I’m not sure if it was the transition, the jet leg, the lack of sleep, or maybe a little bit of culture shock, but I have to honestly say, i didn’t do very well this week. I spent many moments being wistful, and way too many hours refreshing the Facebook and Instagram feed just to get a peek of any new Hawaii posts and messages. Feeling giddy at every glimpse and impatient when nothing was there. I had to really fight to stay in each moment, often failing, caught in a daydream of the last couple of months.

 

Trust me, I know I sound redundant when I continually reference back to my past, not so fun relationship… but it’s not easy picking yourself up after that. It’s not easy staying stable and not breaking down at the slightest trigger. In Hawaii, I had many triggers, and many moments where i would find a small corner and cry, letting go of all the bad memories and replacing the negative with happy, the bad thoughts with encouraging empowerment. I felt so safe in Hawaii…like the people and the land were protecting me. Here, I feel a bit more vulnerable, a little less protected. 

I saw this photo on facebook today… this is what it said:

“Someone who has been mentally abused will: *constantly apologize *hide their feelings in fear of upsetting you *break down during small disagreements thinking it will explode *need constant reassurance. Be patient! We are trying!”

I was that person. Well, ok, I still am kind of that person, even though I do feel a lot stronger now, then I did that first day i left. I feel more like “myself” then I have in years. I feel joy again, I laugh and make jokes often and rarely have any hatred and anger brewing.  

Here’s the thing- there is no timeline on healing. There is no one that says i have to be completely over it in three months. I still have moments of panic, of the disillusion of failure and deceit. I still have moments where I don’t feel good enough, strong enough, or worthy enough.

But I let Hawaii teach me. I let Hawaii change me. Ya, I went a little crazy this week, made some mistakes, but i didn’t falter. I didn’t give in to my fears and I followed through on my emotions. I said what I truly meant, even if it took me a day and a little fight to say it. I meditated and focused on grounding myself amongst the chaos.

Some days I feel like superman.

Seeing as my self esteem and confidence took the brunt of the beating, I have been looking for ways so try and regain some of it. I meditate a fair bit, but I also started standing in power poses. Internet says, ” Power poses change your brains perspective of yourself by tricking your mind into believing you’re more confident then you are.” Trust me, it works. And I like superman, so I often picture myself with superhuman strength and nigh-invulnerability. 


 

The world is scary. People can be scary, and everything is unpredictable. The thing is, I think we all have just enough crazy in us to face our fears, follow our dreams, and make our life what we want.

Be determine, be strong, be everything you know you are. If you are healing from something in your life, please be kind and patient with yourself. Give yourself lots of time, and don’t feel guilty for the moments you have to hide away just to be able to feel. Feel it, let the emotion come. Recognize it, hear it, and remember it, next time the wave comes maybe it won’t leave you breathless. Then stand up, breath deep and dig for all the strength I know you have, because you are awesome. 
Will you do something for me? Will you show me your superman pose? Or any power pose you choose. Find me on Facebook or Instagram and tag me, or post on my page. I would love to see your powerful! 

Hawaii 

I can’t believe it’s over. If I didn’t have pictures of myself there, I would have thought it was all a dream. 
I have been trying for the last two days to right something epic. Poetry that would leave you wistful, tearful, and content. But my mind is still a muddle, it’s a wonder I can even understand my own notes, so I thought I would just write, and be completely straight with you. 

I fell in love. 
I fell in love with Hawaii. I fell in love with the land, the coffee field, the chickens, the sunrises and the sunsets. I fell in love with the joy I felt there, the peace and contentment that washed over me. I fell in love with all the happy hearted, soul solid, absolutely loving people. 

The point of going to Hawaii, was to escape from the harsh reality that I was living. To prove to myself that I could be the girl I once was, only stronger, and better. 

Looking back, I realize how hard I had to fight to get to this moment. The last five years have been rather shitty, but through all the experiences, I can boldly say, I have no regrets. 

So many milestones, experiences, and memories that will never be forgotten. Even though it ended in divorce, I get to say that I got the wedding of my dreams. Shopping with my mom for my dress, planning even the tiniest details for the day, being surrounded by my favourite people, and my dad walking me down the isle to the man I once loved, even giving in to the mother in law for a big catered reception that I didn’t want. Even if I never have any kids in this lifetime, I can say that I’ve experienced pregnancy. I went through cravings, watched as my belly grew, and my body changed. I experienced the pure joy as I saw my baby Ailey’s heartbeat on the ultrasound monitor, and had the strength to walk out of the doctors office two weeks later when they said it was no longer there. I had the strength to deal with the mental and physical pain of delivering my baby Jewel all alone in my bathtub for 8 solid hours at only three months along. I got to experience the pest control business, and be fantastic at it! To be in an apartment suite so full of cockroaches, it’s impossible to count. Armed with a face mask and chemical, and spray until I saw no more roaches running! I worked by butt off until I owned my own pest control business, and a Tacoma truck that I boldly, proudly drove around Saskatoon. I made more money in three months then I would have in a year at a job that I probably would have hated. I survived travelling Jamaica, Europe, Mexico, and Canada with the toughest person to travel with. I survived, even though he ditched me for a week with no communication in Jamaica, he would constantly throw our only available food away in anger, berated, belittled, and manipulated me in Europe, and left me at three various bus stations, and once in a pharmasave parking lot with my stuff,and the cat, scattered around for everyone to witness while we were crossing Canada. I got into a bad relationship, full of guilt, depression, and hatred, and it almost took everything I had in me. It almost took me. But with the help of my true friends, and definitely my family, I had the strength and courage to walk away. To not let it take the very last piece of me.

I am who I am because of all that. 

I had the bravery to hop on a plane to Hawaii, by myself, with nothing planned. Having the confidence that once I got there, I would know what to do. 

And I did. 
And dude, it was tight! 

So this year, it’s about me. I’ll fly solo, seeking everything my soul longs for. Peace, solitude, adventure…. love. Real love. Real friendships and respect. I’m going to put myself together again. I will go where my heart leads. 

And I left my heart in Hawaii……  

All I long for right now, is the coffee field. Being surrounded by the call of the roosters, the power of the Hawaii land, getting high on spliffs, and embracing all the smiles and joy that surrounded me there. 

I left to face my fear. To face the man that once took my soul, destroyed most of my possessions, and trampled on this kind heart that gave him everything. I left the safety of Hawaii to say goodbye to the lost girl I once was. To finally let go of the baggage and the depression. To move on to something greater. 

All I know in this very moment, is that Hawaii is not done with me yet, the land is calling me. 
~ Deej 

This is me 

“Oh, I don’t like to bother anyone””Why not? It’s fun.” 

I don’t know who I am. 

I’m also not very opinionated, so I usually just go along with whatever’s happening, but lately I’ve been feeling the importance of getting to know me. 

I don’t like waking people up, but it’s because of the bad experiences. Take those away, take those memories, and see. 

My mom used to stand at the bottom of the stairs and yell “good morning!” But that was my mom. My dad, although rare, would come into the room and softly put his hand on our heads and say ” good morning sweet heart”. That was my dad. 

Personally, I like waking up slow. I like waking up with the sun in my face, and no alarm clock. I also like being woken up. No matter what time, and no matter what. Anything from wild pigs outside, to the sound of someone playing the ukulele at 2 am because they couldn’t sleep. I remember once a friend sat down on the edge of my bed, and blew the fresh coffee steam in my face so I would wake up to the smell. That was my favourite, that’s what I would choose. 

So maybe I like waking people up. Slowly, with a cup of fresh coffee. 
~Deej 

Life

There are often moments, where I can only stop and stare.
Reflecting, marvelling, body motionless, enjoying the air.

 

Look at my life, let’s just take a quick look.
I knew I was right, it’s way better then a book.

 

So let’s be straight.
Everyday, I am surrounded by sexy, gorgeous California Hawaiian dudes.
Dreadlocks, wide smiles, and the big ocean blue.

 

I am friends with a guy that can boldly stand on stage.
With mic in hand, to say what’s on his mind,
Has a caring soul, and a heart that’s so patiently kind.
Can rope a wild cow, handle a gun, and let’s go hunt some pigs!

 
I fall asleep each night to the sound of the frogs,
And open my eyes each morning watching the rising sun.
I can’t remember the last time I had so much fun.

 

Taking a lazy morning, rolling in the blankets till way after nine.
Listening to Joni Mitchell and Iron and Wine,
wishing the sexy man in the other room wanted to meet his lips with mine.

 

Picking papayas for oatmeal in the morning, and gathering avocados to slay.
Spending the day shucking leaves from the green coffee trees,
while the roosters chase the chickens, and the pheasants get out of harms way.

 

Getting lost in the land, and high on a spliff.
I think I’ll spend my time alone for a jiff.
Soaking the sun, with the happy hearted, and the California styles.
Where I can learn to speak in poetry, and chase the pigs for miles.

~ Deej

Reflection

Today, is for reflection. 

My body is mostly still, resting its sore muscles and the sun over-kissed skin. My mind is travelling the depths of memory, organizing thoughts, and creating patterns. 
When I booked my ticket to Kona, Hawaii, I had no idea what to expect. I had a vision of what I wanted, and just focused on finding the stuff that would make me happy. I asked myself, ” what do you need to heal?” I wanted solitude, a safe place to call home for a while, people around full of love, and solid souls. I wanted freedom with my days, and something to keep my hands busy. I wanted to be challenged emotionally, and physically but have to the space to figure it all out. 
Since the moment I landed here, I have been aware of every decision. Every moment is soaked right in, implanted in the memory bank for safe keeping. I truly listen to myself, to what I want, to what I need. It has taken some work! Every day has not always been a mentally smooth ride. The first two weeks were a constant stream of tears, and screaming inside my head. Most days I just sat back, baffled at the kindness and respect. Now, I am so grateful for everyday. I find myself saying thank you often, smiling, and enjoying everything. 
I no longer feel guilty for having a good day. 
I no longer spend my time worrying about what other people will think, or what they will say. I remain bold, confident, and thoughtful. 
Most days, I spend alone on the farm as everyone is busy with the business in town. It is blissful. I basically do whatever I want, but I work a lot. It keeps me grounded, keeps my hands busy and my mind gets to wonder. Plus, I get an epic work out everyday. I am feeling a lot more balanced these days, and rested. I am not ready to leave…. I am drawing everyday, and writing is taking a whole new level. I am in love with the sun, and being barefoot 90% of the time. I am in love with this farm, the people, and the lifestyle. 
……………………

The other day I was here on the farm by myself, worked all day pulling weeds, and cutting coffee trees, but I wasn’t quite sure what to do with the evening. Looking in the fridge for supper food, I discovered a bottle of Toquilla, about a 1/4 of the bottle remaining. I gathered the supper ingredients for some fancy gourmet meatballs, grabbed the bottled and headed out to the kitchen to cook… and drink. The last couple of years, alcohol was constantly used to escape pain and numb the constant anxiety and depression. Tonight, was about enjoyment, empowerment, and independence. 
I cranked up some Die Antwoord and sang all the words I knew loudly, (and possibly off-key), cooked meatballs and drank taquila till the bottle was gone. 
I sat around a roaring fire, eating my supper like I was on a date with myself. I had a blast, it was so much fun. 
Being alone for so long, I thought I’d get lonely, but I’m not. I don’t miss ‘home’, I actually don’t miss anyone yet. 
There are many barriers I am still working on tearing down. The biggest, making my voice heard. I don’t always speak up when I should, and have on occasion found that I cower in the corner, too afraid to be loud. I still can’t sing in front of people… it’s driving me crazy, but for some reason I can’t get past that barrier. I know I will never stop growing, and each day, each moment I know is bringing me closer to the person that I am meant to be. The person that I want to be. 
“If you figure me out, I want an explanation”. 
This vacation was about finding myself. There are some days I think, “am I doing this wrong? What will other people think when they hear I only spent time at a farm in Hawaii?” Once the thought is over, I quickly change it. It doesn’t matter what you think, or if you are going to judge me. What matters is how I feel, how I’m doing. 
Here is how I am doing:

It’s about 7 am, and I am sitting here on the deck, beside the outdoor kitchen, listening to all the birds sing their songs. There are thousands of them. I can hear them in the kitchen as they land on the dirty pot on the stove for a tiny fleck of food. I can hear them whiz by me, as their wings hit the air, gaining speed and distance. This is one of my favourite moments of the day. I am the only one awake, and as I take a sip from my strong fresh coffee, and eat the Papaya I just picked, I marvel at just how great I feel. From where I am sitting, I can see the ocean hitting the rocky shoreline, and the occasional boat on the water that looks smaller then an ant. The sun is beaming down, already hot, making me sweat. 
…………………..

Have you ever just stared at yourself in the mirror? Like, actually looked, studied, and memorized your face? If I’m with someone, I like looking at them. Study their expressions, watch their lips move, and their eyes follow the emotion of their mind. I like to observe their body language, and listen to their words. ………….. but have you ever done that with yourself? Set aragence, pride, and conceit aside, and just look. 

“Just do it if you want to! Realise that you are enough for yourself. Don’t be scared of judgement but most of all, don’t be scared of yourself.” 

Maybe I haven’t really really looked because I’m scared of myself. But lately the fear has confused me. Why am I afraid? And what am I afraid of? So sometimes, I put a mirror in front of me and just look. I watch my expressions, my eyes, my mouth. 
Maybe for the first time ever, I am really getting to know myself. 
So today, as the sun sets, and the birds start their lalabyes, I will marvel at the beauty. I will look at myself, and say thank you, for all the hard work you’ve done. For holding your head high, and facing every moment in your life. I will smile, and be kind to myself, replacing contempt with forgiveness, and simply release all the tension. 
I am complex, emotional, and unique. 

~ Deej 

The Daily Mind 

Some days there is so much space between my mind and my mouth, 
it’s frustrating. 
Some people speak in poetry, 

Their words flow so evenly. 

The kind I can write, but never say outright. 

So here is my mind, in pieces 

Randomly put in order. 

Retraining

Learning how to be with healthy people again. Good people again. 

Happy hearted, and soul solid. 

I figured it out the other day 

I am simply reacting the way I’m used to, but not the way I want to. 

I am holding back, 

ducking beneath the tree of everything I lack. 

I cut that tree down yesterday, 

I’m just going to do what comes naturally. 

No overthinking, 

No determining. 
Just do it. Don’t hold back. 
Every morning, when my mind awakes

My intention loud, feeling proud, 

 “follow my heart, follow my soul. 

embrace the moment and see the end goal. 
No expectations, no waiting for the moment. 
Do it with love and happily. ” 

then I let go.

the fear, the ache, 

and just do what comes naturally. 
Just the other day 

Some things I meant say,

………………………

” How’s your driving? Not just ok. 

You handle the car like you handle your life. 

Confident. Strong. A little reckless, but controlled. 

I totally trust you out there, 

Don’t worry, you got this. 
………………………………..
Always. Always. 

let your actions mimic your words. 

Let your words mimic your actions. 

If your down in life, everything sucks. Depression plucks. 

But each moment, take a look. 

It’s deeper, and brighter, far better then a book. 

Can we just start to balance each other out? 

We’ve all got chaos to remember dancing through our heads, 

I’m sorry I forgot the keys, and didn’t make the beds. 

Life takes so much energy, 

It sometimes takes our memory. 

Pick up the small pieces, we can’t do I all.

It’s not about mistakes, really, we are all that small. 

Don’t spite, don’t hate. But don’t worry if you’re already too late. 

Let love be back in, and say sorry to your mate. 

Life’s too short to worry about love. 

Say it, don’t say, just go above. 

People make mistakes often, daily, hourly

Their reactions weird and misinformed 

Learn from it, change it. 

Move on, and stop being sourly. 

I love wearing my heart on my sleeve, 

It’s sometimes gets hurt from it, 

But that’s ok, because I’ll learn from it. 

embrace it, stop and listen, feel from it. 

Saying I love you too much NEVER 

diminishes the emotion from it”.

Just don’t, whatever you do, 

 Forget about love. 

Say it, don’t say it, just rise above. 

………………….

~ Deej 

The big ugly 

…………………

Verbal abuse is not just the words used.

 It’s the tone, the sentence, the paragraph in entirety. The immediate environment, and energy of the person. I spent a lot of my time feeling scared. Sitting paralyzed, because I was scared to brush my teeth, but scared to not brush my teeth. I was scared to clean the bathroom, because I had already done it that week, scared to have to pee… scared to eat. I remember often going all day without eating, simply because I was scared of how he would react. I was scared of everything, and I thought it was just me. I now realize I wasn’t me, that I am actually pretty brave, like to take a bit of a risk, and am confident in my decisions. 

In general, I am a very forgiving person. It’s likely one of the reasons why I stayed for so long. I always knew he was dealing with high enxiety and depression. I always realized that most of his actions were not really him, and that he had very little control over them. So I took on the responsibility. It was a huge stresser for me as well, but I didn’t realize that at the moment, I thought I’d be able to handle it. I just wanted to help him. I had the constant feeling that if I was just a little nicer to him he would see it, if I showed him what real love was then he would see it, learn it and start treating me better. I would be the example, and I wouldn’t be like everyone else who just abandoned him. 
I didn’t realize until it was almost too late, that I lost a lot of myself doing that. It wouldn’t have mattered what I did, or what I said. I could be the nicest, friendliest person to him, or I could be a bitch, and constantly say mean things. It wouldn’t have mattered. I couldn’t help him. I still can’t help him. 

Now that I am disconnected, I see what it was, what it is. 

When I met him, I let him in because I was vulnerable. I was hurting, and my heart and soul were in pain. I had just dealt with my 5th miscarriage and my marriage was over.  His dominance was attractive, because I didn’t ever have to make a decision. In the beginning it felt like a relieve to me. But while trying to regain my strength from my own tragedies, instead of using it to heal my wounds, my energy went into his. 

I remember early on, before we ever started dating, I was sitting in my truck in front of his place shaking, not knowing what to do. He was in the garage threatening suicide, and told me to not call the cops. I couldn’t do nothing, so I called the local suicide hotline. I needed help, feeling so helpless, I didn’t know what else to do. Just knowing he was in there by himself, ready to kill his own breath, and I was the only other person who knew about it, and it was too much for me to handle on my own. So I gave the person on the phone his phone number, and they called him. In hindsight, I still think I did the right thing to do. Well, maybe I should have just called the cops, but at least someone else knew about it. He called me immedietly and lost it on me. Called me names, made me feel smaller then an ant. I felt horrible, bad for what I did even if it was the right thing. So instead of pulling away, I drew myself closer to him, thinking that I was the only person that could help him. I stopped talking to my friends and family because I didn’t want them to see it, I didn’t want them to see him. 

It was a wild ride after that. We had a few good moment, but for the next two, almost three years, it was only my solitude strength that held me together. Every time he would call me names and then apologize, or make me feel as small as an aphid, my fragile strength grew weaker, until I started to believe everything he was telling me. Maybe I was a cunt, and a piece of shit that couldn’t ever do the right thing. I started hiding within myself, hiding my talents, and keeping myself a secret. It was the only way I could survive. 

So even now, I know most of his actions were caused by anxiety and depression. Pressured speech, being trapped in his own mind, but it doesn’t matter. It would have been easier to heal if he would have taken a hammer and broken all of my bones. His actions, his words penetrated my heart, my soul, my creative power. Now the people around also suffer, because I still hide part of me away, just waiting for the next blow. Still expecting that it will all be derailed. 

I still have not forgiven him, and I hold a lot of anger for him. He is persistent, and even though now on medication, insists that he is miraculously healed, and we are meant to be together. All I can see in my mind though are the accusing eyes, and the tone of voice that has said so many times, ” You stupid cunt, maybe you should think next time”. How do you forgive someone who took your soul, your creative power away? 

It might be a bit unorthodox, but I thought I would share his words. It doesn’t make it alright, and it doesn’t make it easier to forgive him, but now you have his side of the story. The cycle remains the same, however, as just last week he sent me alarming texts, saying he wasn’t sure what was he was going to do. That I was the only one to understand, and that he needed to talk to me immedietly. I wasn’t responding to any previous texts, so maybe he thought if he threatened his life or well being again, I would once again give him my energy. Feeling the strength of what Hawaii has offered me, I quickly blocked his address, and went back to the coffee field to work. 

He asked me to share his words, I have not changed a single one. It is copy and pasted from my email. 

……………………………………………….

“What does suicide mean to you? How does your own thoughts of suicide appear? 

My suicide attempts was always not to hurt anyone, it was to hurt myself. For 28 years and 6 months, I have been trapped, trapped in my own mind. At the age of 13 I came up with the nick name for my self and that was “the slave driver” it wasn’t until 3 weeks ago that I truly understand why I gave myself that name. I always knew/felt that I was a slave to my own mind. Everything in my life was opposite, from hating a song, to ending up enjoying it, say no to an event or concert, while deep down inside I was screaming yes. This for of mental trap created me to believe at one point that I could predict the future. Anxiety which I never understood as no one ever explained the feeling, this lead me to believe that when I got this “feeling” I sensed something bad was going to happen, and sure enough something bad would happen. I remember my whole life having such “spaz attacks, tantrums, childish out bursts” the frustration that would build up in my mind would push to to a point where fight or flight would kick in and I would loose my shit. In my mind I would tell my self, do not panic, do not freak out, there is no reason, yet I never had the strength to control my bodies feeling or reactions. It felt like I was watching a horror movie and no matter how much I yell at the actor in the tv screen, the actor never listened and would still walk into trouble. That was me watching my life through my eyes, my brain saying the right things, yet my mouth would not say the words my brain would say, my body would not respond to way my brain was telling my body to respond. My brain knows I am weak, I accept that I am weak, my body expresses strength, my words express intimidation. From what’s inside is opposite of what outside. That used to make me so angry, I never understood why there was such a difference. This mental trap I have been in has helped me ruin my life. There were 2 only 2 reasons why I ever wanted or Attempted to suicide for, one was I wanted to escape this cycle of not being able to be who I truly am, second reason was, I never ever wanted to watch my self hurt anyone ever again!    

The last 28 years and 6 months, I have not been me, I have been able to express my own real emotions. I feel that I was truly watching my life through a window, without anyone being able to see me or hear me, only this replication of me, the opposite of me. Every birthday and every holiday I would feel emotions so strong, I would get sick, I would want to enjoy the time, yet the feeling and emotions running through my body would create confusion in my brain and then I would react in a scared, angry, confused way, I would begin to hate myself for the way I felt, I crest such problems that I eventually started to avoid birthdays, holidays and other family gatherings. Then the next birthday, I would do everything to avoid everyone as my emotions would blow up and I would start to hate myself for not being able to be normal and enjoy my birthday, Christmas etc, that’s when the suicide would start. In a sense I would do it for attention like a cry for help, most of all I wanted to self hate to stop, I want the emotions I was feeling to stop. 

Since on the meds, my appetite has changed, the foods I used to dislike (mushrooms, spinach, fried onions, etc) I now enjoy more than ever. I still enjoy the old foods that I used to like. 

Sexual thoughts and behaviors have changed drastically and has become minimal, I no longer stare/gawk at women’s bodies, or have inappropriate comments with in my own mind or to others, I am more focused on what I deem as normal compared to the past. I no longer masturbate every morning (which I did for atleast 10+years) and I no longer watch porn nearly as often as I used to and when I do its different, more appropriate and respectful compared to before. 

The way I interact with strangers is more direct, I hold accept able eye contact and am more open to listening and processing before responding. I find I give more of a positive response when talking. I am able to now sit and not be frigidity or impatient. I am alot more interactive in the the things I want to do where before I would only bicker and complain. All the previous opposites in my mind are all now on the same level as everything else. I like the things i like and dislike the things that I actually dislike, where the past I would dislike because the anxiety and pressured speech was so strong that I dislike stuff for absolutely no reason. I disliked it because I liked it (yeah messed up). I no longer talk to others and lecture or criticize the things about them or their bodies or their actions. 

I now have a roommate that is someone that in the past I wouldn’t even bat an eye to mentally destroy and the things he says are the types of things I would just tear apart. He is a womanizer, alcoholic, country kid, juice head gym guy, He is the epitome of who I would never associate with, not in a million years, yet with the meds removing the bullshit from my brain, I actually listen to him talk, provide positive feed back when he asks for it, otherwise I am very clear thinking and not bothered by him. His bs does not phase me at all and that is a massive difference from the past. When I moved in we had a talk, he said bluntly “Be aware, I am a pretty douchey and sleazy!” My response was “Thats ok, you seem confident in the path you have chosen, who am I to judge…As long you do not involve me or make it personal to me, I could care less. I will let you know when you cross the boundary, or if you get close to it. Otherwise enjoy life!” . My overall tolerance to what I used to call stupidity is not bothersome to me at all. 

It is such a change and a warm welcomed change to finally feel the way I feel, Think the way I think, be the me I have fought so hard to be. Dont believe me, its ok, I am ok with what ever you believe.  

Looking at the past, I now clearly see the disrespect that I had displayed to the general public including Wendy and am blown away about how blinded the anxiety had me. I look back and realize the pain that I caused Wendy and strangers. These feeling of realization are the new back bone to wanting to change also the sick feeling of suicide. (not going to commit suicide yet the feelings I feel from the harm I caused sparks the thoughts of suicide!)

I have questioned my self, is this because wendy is not in my life at this moment? is it because life has changed? NOPE NOPE NOPE!

It is because of the medication. This is me, My name is David and I am proud so say I am here to stay, no more unnecessary anxiety, no more bullshit of the past,I have too much life to live! 

……………. 

~ Deej