distance runner

i have been called too sensitive, too intense, too emotional… too much. “more then i can handle”. i usually don’t fit in wherever i am. i am awkward in groups and never know what to say. even though in my mind the words are perfect, when they come out of my mouth, they come out weird and disoriented.

for all of this, i’ve laid in my bed for hours crying in despair, wondering why. feeling doubt, lack of confidence and defeat. always wanting to be a different person, craving to be someone else. desperately needing to fit in, and be liked. i spend hours alone, wondering why no one wants to hang out with me, feeling lonely and out of place. in front of people, i shield my eyes, and shrink away to blend in with the background, trying to remain invisible.

but then, when the tears dry, and reality kicks in, i realize.

i don’t want to be anyone else, because i can’t seem to find anyone else like me. i am unique – i have a huge heart, and i wear it on my sleeve, i’m not afraid to love, or show the emotion i’m in. i’m confident, i’m strong, i have integrity, and i try my hardest everyday to be fearlessly authentic.

maybe, just maybe, i tend to stand out in a crowd of people. maybe this time i’ll stand up instead of shrinking away, i’ll look you all in the eyes, and love you no matter what.

i’ll let go of all expectation, and simply enjoy the moment.

the last five years has been nothing short of a casual stroll through what i can only assume is hell, spending most of the time curled up feeling sorry for myself, feeling like a piece of shit. but i found myself an opportunity. strength. instead of always running away, i found myself simply running, and it, has set me free. i might as well be flying, because when i run, i can’t feel my feet on the ground. for every mile, my soul sings and my heart is in the clouds. i can’t contain the smile, and suddenly, i really like who i am.

so call me too sensitive, too intense, too emotional, and too much. i’ll be too busy loving myself, racing to the top for that killer view. i’ll hug you, and love you, but i’ll leave you behind if you can’t keep up.

-Deej

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Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda…

Thinking of the past seven years or so, there are a ton of coulda, woulda, shoulda thoughts. It seems I can’t stop throwing up words, and stories of my past. Dealing with CRA, healing from the abuse, and grieving all the losses. But….

MY PAST DOES NOT DEFINE ME!

Or maybe it does….

I am STRONGER, because of what I’ve been through.

I have LEARNT, from the mistakes I’ve made.

I have RECOGNIZED, the signs of a narcissist.

I am UNDERSTANDING, the strength of my empathy.

So me – not defined by my past, but defined by my past.

~Deej

Ocean moments

I am sitting in the rocks, high above sea level in the chilly air. The sun is slowly falling behind the waters edge as the waves stretch towards the beach. I have an ear bud in one ear, listening to Thunder, by Imagine Dragons, the other is listening to the ocean’s song. I go back and forth between drawing, writing, and watching the surfers catch the biggest waves. This, right here, is the perfect moment. I don’t think it could get much better… wait. Coffee. No, a handsome man bringing me a hot steaming cup of coffee… that would be the only thing that would top it up. Hey Universe… think you could help me out with that one? 😉

Life has been 75% awesome, and 25% super shitty. Ah the ups and downs of life. So here’s a little vented insight as to the shitty part…

I have finally accepted the mistake, and am trying to fix it, but Revenue Canada is making it super difficult. A couple of years ago, I made a lot of money, and didn’t pay my taxes. Yes, I know, my bad. I am eager to pay it off now, and working my butt off to do it, but someone on that end, probably sipping a $6 latte, and a gourmet bagel, decided that it would be necessary… (fun?) to block my bank account, and take all my money. Leaving me with nothing. Not a cent. Despite talking to her, and organizing a payment plan, she is still holding my account. Going on 4 weeks with zero money. I am living on oatmeal, bread and rice… and my body is starting to protest. I am at a loss. I’ve yelled, I’ve asked nicely, I’ve accepted this as my consequence, and everything in between. But i am getting weaker by the minute, and this doesn’t make sense to me at all. She is denying me my basic human right to live, and yet, still expecting me to work. How can I work if I can’t eat? If I can’t have the basic right, how the hell am I supposed to get out of bed everyday?

The answer is, I have no fucking clue. Yet somehow, I’m doing it. Smiling like I have no care in the world, hiding my hunger pains with loud music, drying my tears so they don’t show, and forcing a bounce in my step. Today tho, I don’t want to get out of my bed. I don’t want to be happy… I want to eat.

So life, the good and the bad. Welcome to mine.

~Deej

Progress

If you follow me in social media, today my post read this:

“If you can’t run, walk. If you can’t walk, crawl…progress looks different everyday. This week, I can’t even crawl, in fact, I think I’ll just lay here, cuz the tears won’t stop. That’s my progress this week. My 3 mile run turned into a pathetic 1/2 mile jog, and a miserable walk the rest of the way. But at least I went, I guess.”

We’ve all seen the meme…

And the quotes….

Want to know the reality of it? Check it out.

Curled up in bed for three days crying. Manage to run on day four, then actually eating a full meal and back to normal running by day 7. Phew, that was a week. Good, got through that one. What’s next? I picked up a pen every chance I got, so good, keeping up with the magic things. Slowly figuring out this whole adult thing, paid rent on time, I think I can manage to take care of myself. Wow, I am rocking this! I’m like, the best person ever, how did I not know this? I ate healthy, I ran fast miles. Oh cool, its the end of the month. Awesome, feeling great. And oh, oops, *trips on an invisible rock* right back to three days curled up crying.

Yeah, progress.

So here it is. Some days are good and some days are bad. Everybody feels a range of emotion, it’s normal. Being previously exposed to trauma can make the bad days worse (no matter who you are, or what the trauma). The thing is, today I realized, the good days far outweigh the bad days. I also know, that exercise does help. Even if it’s a pouty walk in your running clothes with your face scowling and your arms crossed. Trust me with this one.

So if you find yourself in an upside down stall, somewhere unknown in the map of progress, like I previously found myself in, just remember to breathe. Close your eyes, cry, scream if you have to, but just breathe.

Want to know a secret? I often write Just Breathe on my arm (yes, actually, future tattoo… how’d you guess?), so I remember, no matter the moment, to just, breathe.

Progress looks different everyday. Curled up crying is still progress. Means we’re working through our own little shit piles we create. It’s ok. Take the day, have a good cry, watch a sappy movie that makes your feel even more sorry for yourself, cry more if you want to. But then get up. Accept it, challenge it, and continue with the progress.

~Deej

The only thing standing in my way… is me.

So here’s my question. What do you do when no one is looking? Who are you when no one is there judging?

Fear is instilled by other people. It comes from the thoughts of how they perceive you. So we adjust, we cut and trim, moulding ourselves to fit into their circle. Setting aside our needs with a sigh, looking longingly at the dream bubble above our heads.

I failed epically in my “20 post in February” challenge. I have lots on my mind. My notebook is now full and my pen is almost out of ink again, but yet, my fingers won’t type the words. It’s who I am when no one is looking. But fear… what if really have nothing to say?

We shouldn’t be afraid to show the world who we are.

But if you don’t know me, then you can’t judge me, so I’ll just keep my silence.

Then at 3am, when I’m sleepy and vulnerable, I ask myself, what do I want the world to see?

As I fall back to sleep with a sigh, I think, “I just want to be me.”

I have taken time this past year to reconnect with myself. To put the pieces back together, and figure out who I am. A lot of the past six years had been filled with fear, with doubt, and anger. I’m exhausted, I don’t want to hide anymore. I don’t want to be me only between the hours of 6pm to 6am, 7 days a week. I’m tired of hiding behind the fear of what you might think of me.

So here’s a little of what I’ve learnt.

I love making people smile. To let them know that they are loved. That they are all important. It’s the small things that most people in the chaos have forgotten about. Randomly handing out flowers to a group of guys, a hug for no reason, or a small smile and a touch on the arm. Doing things that say, ” I was thinking about you today” and “you are important in my life”. Leave a note for the people around you, even if it’s unsigned. Think about the moment when they get home, after the hours of battling their day, and they read, “Hope you had a fantastic day! There’s a bottle of wine in the fridge with your name on it! Enjoy your evening!”. I love leaving notes everywhere, for everybody, and for years I was scared to do it, so I stopped. But I truly think the world has enough anger and mistrust, I’m ready to spread a little happiness. So I’m leaving little things for you. Maybe in five years, you’ll find a little note with a heart in a book, or tomorrow you’ll find a little stick figure with a speech bubble that says, “thank you!”, but knowing that it made you smile, even if just for the ridiculousness of it, it makes my heart soar.

So fuck fear. I’m just going to be me.

“If it scares you, it might be a good thing to try.” Seth Gadin

~Deej

It’s the small moments in life

As you know, I have made this habit to take a walk to the beach in the evening. No matter the weather, and it doesn’t matter what time. Every night, I experience something different. Sometimes I catch the sunset, sometimes it’s raining, and usually it’s cold.

Tonight, I almost didn’t go. I had a long day, topped off with a mile and half quick run on the beach at sunset. I am tired, and just want to lie down. But, I couldn’t miss the opportunity. I couldn’t miss the moment.

The moment, where you find yourself speed walking down the beach towards the ocean, chasing what’s left of the sunset.

The moment, where you find yourself standing right next to the ocean. Everything else is quiet as the ocean sings its song. There are no clouds in the sky, so the darkness is splattered with bright shining stars. My body is humming from my short jog, and my fingers are cold. I am finally all alone with the ocean. There is water starting to seep into my shoes as my feet slowly sink into the sand, and by now, my fingers are numb. But my soul is singing, to the beat of the ocean. As I watched the wave slowly creep towards my toes, I replayed my day. I did the best I could today. I’m proud of the work I did. I was kind today, and friendly. I made a few people smile today. If I look behind me, I can see the entire resort, with random windows gleaming in the night. Shadows of guests appear now and then, enjoying the comfort of a room that i likely cleaned. I changed the sheets, did the dishes, and scrubbed the floors. I worked fast at erasing the past fingerprints, so you could make your mark. Tomorrow, as you head back to your life, I’ll erase yours.

I couldn’t miss this moment of serenity. The solitude, and the quiet. To take a breath, and be grateful. It’s the best part of my day.

~Deej

Happy Valentines Day!

Today, was a good day. The sun was shining, talked to some happy guests, and someone even told me I looked great. After work, I walked on the beach for over an hour, watching the sun dip down behind the ridge, dancing to a happy beat while the ocean roared. Happy love day.

Tonight, I couldn’t resist another short walk down to the ocean. It’s cold, my fingers are numb as my thumbs try and type the right letters. But I couldn’t resist spending my minutes listening to the ocean waves, and catching a glimpse of a falling star.

Perfect Valentine’s Day.

I hope, whatever your day looked like, it was full of love.

I know mine was.

~Deej

20 posts by when?!?!

Um, so guys, this is kind of difficult. I know I’m all about exposing your soul, be honest and truthful and all that. But when it comes to the fine details, I have to admit I’m a little scared of showing you my scars. Sometimes it’s hard to keep writing.

But I don’t stop writing, I’m filling books, and data. Oh, right, that’s why I said 20 posts.. gulp.

At Christmas time, my cousin told me she loves reading my blog. “Bathtub reading”, she calls it. Drinking some wine in a bubble bath, she pulls up my blog. Shit, I have at least one reader! Sherry, if you’re reading this, you’re awesome, and your family is beautiful. So happy we had a chance to catch up!

I just have to say, I know I’ve posted some random stuff, and recently I posted I was turning this into a travel site, and I am, but I guess this experiment, or challenge, is finding a direction. “Who am I ?” And all that. And see if you even like…me.

So I’m going to tell you a daily magic moment.

Every night around 7 ish, I grab my flashlight and I walk the very short walk to the beach. I find a spot on the rocks, light up a – smoke – and listen to the ocean. Everything is worth it, for this moment. No matter what my day was like, this, is the moment that I did it all for. It’s so nice out here tonight. The stars are twinkling bright in the dark sky, and it seems the birds and the trees are asleep. I can hear laughter from a group of people up the beach, and the ocean is singing its melody.

Almost every time, I am walking home with my cell phone in hands, feverishly typing away these musings so I remember them in the moment. (Nothing beats in the moment writing!). I sometimes wonder how I look, stopping every couple of feet and standing in the dark in the middle of the road for twenty minutes, nothing but my face illuminated from the cell phone light. “Oh hi, yeah, sorry I scared you, I just have to write, right now, this very second. And yes, my fingers are very cold.”

It’s been a very awesome, very exhausting day. Thank you for letting me share with you a moment, hope you enjoyed the chatter!

I wrote this a few times this week, so I will leave you with this;

“May all your vibes say, I got this!”

Post 2 of 20 post challenge

~Deej

Chatter

“Nothing I do is automatic. Everything I do is consciencely thought out. I wake up grateful, and happy. Each night I go to bed, everything is analyzed. Where did I fail? How can I be better tomorrow?” ~Deej

These days, emotions are high. Maybe it’s the moon, tugging at my heartstrings.

It’s so beautiful here. The vibe is content and peaceful. I hear the ocean sing a melody everyday. The guests are happy, and adventurous. But it’s hard to be patient. Patient for the “medication” to work, to let the healing finish. I discovered yesterday, the great deal of pain I am still in. The emotions are overwhelming, and at times overflowing into the people in my present circle. I miss Hawaii, I miss the solitude, I miss the people. So much it’s adding to the discomfort. In my core, I know I’m supposed to be here, that I’m in the right place, that the blank year in front of me will be shaped with love and kindness. But in moments of solitude I wonder, how can I shape it for me?

I have been working very hard at healing myself. The intensity of the past five years have taken its toll. My back hurts, my muscles are tight, and my heart still aches a little. This past year, and continuing, I am spending a lot of time with me. Staying in bed when I’m tired, and eating when I’m hungry. (And of course, eating chocolate and drinking coffee!) No guilt for the decisions I make, and staying true to how I feel and being honest.

So here’s to transformation. Here’s to being real. Cheers! 🎉

-Deej

Love travel: reason #14, the challenge – manoeuvre-ability.

There are some days, where the second I lay my body down for the night, I literally give myself a big hug and applaud myself. I made it through the day. I didn’t die, I didn’t get angry, and holy shit, I didn’t get lost.

Here was my travel itinerary from Saskatchewan to Vancouver island.

12.27.17: 12pm, get mom and dad to drive me from PA to Saskatoon. 2hrs. Stay at my brothers.

12.30.17: 5:30pm, leave Greyhound station in Saskatoon to Kamloops. 18hrs. Stay at my sisters.

12.31.17: 5:30pm scratch the previous day, had to move my ticket to today because I was puking and too sick to get on the bus yesterday. 18hrs.

01.02.18: 10:00am leave greyhound in Kamloops to Vancouver. 4 hrs. Once in Vancouver, find public transit to get from Greyhound to West Vancouver, to a private Airbnb home. (Take the skytrain from Chinatown station to Granville station, then bus number 250 to Marine drive and 22nd, then walk 1km.) ETA: 5:30pm.

01.03.18: 6:30am, leave said house, walk 1km to bus station, take bus number 250 all the way to Horseshoe bay. 8:30am, take ferry to island. ETA: 10:15am. 10:30 am, Leave in greyhound shuttle bus to Tofino, stop will be the information centre 1 km from resort. 4hrs.

Needless to say, by the time I got to my brand new place, I was exhausted. Pretty sure I slept close to 13 hrs that night. And yes, gave myself a gigantic hug, right before I dozed off.

It may seem simple to a well experienced traveller, but it’s a lot of work. You have to always be alert, always paying attention to everything. Never lose sight of your stuff, and if you’re wearing headphones, don’t have the music too loud. Every second, you pay attention to the energies around you, to the people’s expressions, and if your lucky eavesdrop in on some couples interesting gossip. Be on time, all the time, or you’ll miss your ride. Race through the airport if you have to. Read every sign, and understand the transit schedule. Pay attention to the date and time, and don’t forget to take a selfie!

Vancouver makes it fairly easy to get around, but it’s gigantic, one wrong turn might lead you to some unknown, possibly unwanted, adventure.

And you know what? I love it. I’ve gained a pretty decent sense of direction. I don’t get lost in airports, and I’ve taken public transit through cities like Paris, Amsterdam, Berlin, Kona, and Vancouver, and haven’t gotten lost yet.

Now, I get a little break. I am staying in one spot for a bit to figure out my next move. I’ll be here for a bit… so if you need me… I’ll be on the beach. Come visit! It’s beautiful.

Pacific Sands Resort - Tofino, BC

My goal in the next couple of months… rest, eat, sleep, maybe create a travel bucket list, and figure out how to get back to where my heart is… Hawaii.

Where in the world do you think I should go??

~Deej