:Ladies:

I wish there were enough words to tell you how beautiful you are. 

I wish my energy, calm and loving, would reach through these words and penetrate your soul. 

I wish you would believe me when I tell you – YOU are enough. 

I want to tell you earnestly to let go. Let go of the anger, the resentment. Let go of the pain. It truly isn’t worth it. 

I want to tell you to take a moment to love. Love yourself. Look in the mirror and say this, “you-are so awesome. So beautiful!” And believe yourself! 

Don’t hate the scars, they boldly tell all the battles you’ve survived. 

Don’t hate the fat, or the bones, or the hair, or the toes. Defy society. There is no model. You are you. Ten toes, five finger, one kidney, no spleen! Whatever. It’s yours. Own it. 

The government can take your house. 

The ex can take your stuff. 

But NO ONE can take away the love for yourself. Your love doesn’t depend on anyone. 

So when I tell you – you are beautiful! Will you believe me? Will you look in the mirror tonight, discard everyone else’s thoughts and opinions, and smile. 

Because, 

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! 
– Deej 

Advertisements

Universe… send me Superman! 😉

Sometimes, in a moment of despair, I wonder if it’s ever going to get better. I wonder if it’ll ever be different. Although these moments are welcomed, so I can work through the underlying issue, but they seem to last forever. 

But here’s what I keep reading, and really, the reality check. No one but me, can save me. 

I know I have lots of people around the world that love me. I have many people I could call, text, write and they would love to hear from me. At any time I could lay my burdens on their shoulders. I know I am never truly alone in the world. 

But at the end of the day, when I close my eyes to sleep, I am alone with my mind. 

It’s like doing a thru hike alone. A daunting task even for the experienced. ((Walking Vancouver Island!)). Alone on the trail, you are the only one making the daily decisions. Friends have taught you important details, family is encouraging you, waiting by the phone excited for every call. But at the end of the day, you have to decide where to put your tent so the bears won’t make you their midnight meal. 

I am the only one who will ever know every true intention, every true emotion, and every true thought. It’s my responsibility to measure out my actions. To decide what I believe, decide what’s right, and what’s wrong. 

As I am writing this, I quickly checked Facebook ( yes, totally distracted!), but the first thing I read was this,
“No one is going to love you exactly like you imagined. No one is ever going to read your mind and take every star out of the sky and hand it to you. No one is going to show up at your door on a horse with a shoe you lost. Do you understand? That’s why you have to love yourself enough, so that any other just adds more candles on the cake you’ve already iced.” Stephanie Bennet-Henry

No, I don’t want anyone to “save” me, to save my soul. I want to be my own superhero in my story. 

However, I wouldn’t say no….. 
if a set of muscles suddenly appeared. Slowly removing his glasses, and unbuttoning his suit to reveal, that he is Superman. And whisks me off my feet into the starry night……. 
-Deej

Take it easy. Just breath a little! 

It’s funny how easily it seems that guilt slides into the picture.
 I haven’t seen anyone in at least 6 days. My only company has been two roosters who squawk all the time. Four hens who chatter all day long, a dog that whines if he can see me, but can’t reach me, and, well, me. 
And by the way – I am great company. 
I have worked so hard physically, and mentally this week… that puzzle is starting to take shape. I am feeling fantastic. No, not every day these last six days has been a cake walk, it’s been a little tough. Definitely some tears have been shed, and a voice – like, only once, that could probably be heard a couple of farms away. However daunting, it is all necessary. It’s just me, travelling through some overgrown weeds on the land…. and in my mind. 
The guilt wants some time when I’m sitting. I often meditate, or just simply sit. Have you ever just sat there? Let your mind wander, or not. Maybe the birds are singing, maybe it’s quiet. I find myself doing this for hours out here. I’ll get lost in the peace, and not know where time went. It’s been a long time since the last time I had time to do this. I’ve always been so busy… I feel like I shouldn’t be able to do this. I have tons of responsibility on the farm… but it doesn’t feel like work. It feels like I’m camping, and they have a fabulous salted pool and work out facility! I finally have a chance to just breath. To just take a moment. Life is always so busy, and I’ve created an opportunity for myself, so I could get the time to heal. I won’t feel guilty for that. 
A couple of people recommended that I see a therapist. Although I do think there is a time and place… this time, I know exactly what I needed to get through this. 
Some damn peace and quiet. 
So guilt, I know your lingering, trying to sneak in… but I’ve worked hard for this. I sacrificed a lot just to make it here. I am still working hard for this. 
Go ahead and try, you won’t get past my glittery rainbow wall. 
– Deej 

Home 

For the first time in almost eight years, my mind and my body, are in the same place. I realized today where my absolute contentment came from. 
My mind isn’t trying to escape. 
Suddenly, 
Meditation is possible. 
Lucid dreaming is happening. 
My mind has been creating this place for the last 7 years. The place I used to seek when I needed to escape the drama of my life.
Five months ago, when I took my first step on this island, my heart sang, “finally! I am home!” With absolutely nothing planned, I instantly wondering what it would take to stay permantly. So I let go, and followed my heart. Each step I took for reason, absolute trust, and I was fearless. 
Although my tomorrows remain unknown, each day I wake with the sun, full of love, gratitude, and joy. 
Today, I think some of my bruises healed. 
-Deej 

Hide 

Let’s hide from the silence, turn that shit up. I don’t want to hear the voice in my head. 
Let’s just feel the beat, turn it up a notch. I don’t want to hear your thoughts echoing ahead. 
Let’s listen to one more song. Please, just turn it up. I don’t want to hear the sounds beyond my bed. 
We can dance to the rhythm. Maybe, turn it up one more click. I don’t want to hear the words you once said. 
Let’s hide from the silence. It’s too scary to stop. I don’t want to hear anything. My heart feels like lead. 
-Deej 

How do you get the car tires out of the rut?! 

It’s really hard to explain my thought process these days. I know I talk about it a lot.. (#sorrynotsorry), my past relationship. But really, that’s why I’m here. That’s why this puzzle is in front of me. 

It was a whole different world. 

My thoughts were heavily guarded, rarely expressed for fear of being belittled. My creative side simply left, guess it thought it would be easier then being berated for the poem it worked so hard on. 

I have to constantly remind myself that I am beautiful. That my hair is messy, but I LOVE it. 

It’s like constantly trying to get the car tires out of the rut. Even with much effort, the tires keep sliding back in to the same old habits. We know how it ends though. With patience, proper procedures, and a little help from the neighbours, the car will get free. 

So I’ll keep saying it out loud until my soul fully believes. 

“You are beautiful!”

“Be a pineapple. Stand tall, wear a crow, and be sweet on the inside.” -Deej 

Critic! 

I really am my own worse critic. Possibly my own worst enemy. I just tried to lay down, close my eyes and drift off into a blissful sleep, when my mind decides to play back my day. Then my eyes flew open, and my stomach got all knotted up. I started feeling anxious and caught myself biting my fingernails. 

“Why did I say that?! OMG I am the worst person ever! I am so embarrassed!” 

One sentence that I say can cause hours of worry. Wondering how the person took it, and what they will think of me! Maybe they’ll like me a little less. The negative thoughts go on and on. 
Our minds are so complex. A habit.. even a bad habit, our brain thinks that’s home. A place so comfortable, it builds a home, and takes nap. 
Well mind, it’s time to destroy your comfort home. I just wasted some good sleep time on worry. Enough. Besides, they probably didn’t even notice… 
-Deej 

Clinging 

I can feel myself slowly slipping into another cycle of despair. I am desperately clinging to roots, trying to stay grounded. The small voice inside quickly chanting, “you are beautiful! You ARE strong enough!”. This is exactly what I wanted. The solitude, the peace, no one bothering me. So, why, am I struggling with loneliness and self Pity? With “maybe because you have dreads.”, and “probably not pretty enough, or good enough” thoughts becoming louder then positive thoughts. 
Confusion, is still a big part of my mind. I’m confused all the time. And, I’m the only one who can figure it out. My mind looks like someone just dumped a 1000 piece puzzle all over the floor. And they didn’t even leave a picture of what it’s supposed to look like. 

Bastards. 

I want to tell you so much, but fear……………
-Deej 

My Journey 

As you know, the past couple of months I have been on this incredible quest – to save my soul. During this quest, I’ve had bouts of depression, despair, and hopelessness. Moments of pure, unfiltered gratitude, love, and passion. The ups and downs are random, but every moment, ever emotion felt is needed. For the first time in a long time, my only focus is me. The days blend together, and I often have to check what day of the week it is, because I never know. It is bliss. I carefully take the time to pick through emotions as they cruise on through my mind, lift it up, examine it, and analyze. Some days, I have to admit that figuring it all out on my own feels like walking through a corn maze. I can’t see if i’ll ever make it out, but there is an exit somewhere, right? I’ve been told how to feel and what direction to go for so long now, the inner me isn’t quite sure what to do. So while I’m here, working my way out of the maze, the outer me is very carefully scrutinizing the inner me. It can no longer be trusted. My wounded heart has been setting up road blocks for way too long. 

It’s definitely not easy…. sometimes I’m not really sure how to go about it. So, if I just sit here in silence for a week, a month, a year, and meditate, I’ll feel better after? 

I just want to sit here, and allow all the slow healing wounds to mend. But no one gives you a time frame. If you break your arm, the docter often says,” 6-10 weeks, and it’ll be almost good as new.”. Does anyone know what the doctor would recommend for a broken soul? A lifetime, maybe. 

But this place here, makes me believe in magic again. My creative side is waking up, like she’s relearning to walk, taking each step cautiously. I have a feeling it won’t be long before the inner me is hella strong again. With colors starting to dance in my head, I’ll soon be painting the world in rainbows. 
-Deej

to stay or to leave 

i often think about those moments. the moments where i could have just walked away. turned the other direction- and get myself back on my feet. lots of reasons went into the decision to keep staying. in the beginning it was fear. fear of myself, really. i didn’t think i could handle being alone. starting over again all by myself. like getting sent back to the start line in a game board. soon fear turned into sympathy, agony, and loads of empathy. he was in pretty rough shape. he needed someone in his corner. well, in inside the ring, anyway. plus, we were always on an adventure. Jamaica, Europe, crossing Canada. if i left, what would my life be like? he always managed to sway my decision towards staying, convincing me i would never make it on my own. i soon realized the real dangers he kept putting me in, and it went straight back to fear and a whole bunch of denial. if i left, and he committed suicide like he always threatened, would it crush my lungs? now i was battling the fear of being with him, and the fear of being without him. now that i have left, i think back to all those fleeting moments, and i don’t regret the decision. he was definitely mean, and i have some mending to do, but i believe i did helped save his life. i can’t regret that. and now, not only have i already picked myself up, i found my dream world to live in for a while to snuggle into. i often look back to where it all started…. the miscarriages. i can boldly say i made it through one of the toughest things a woman can go through. what milestone is supposed to be marked with fireworks and celebration, ended my world in tears and despair. but i am finally taking the time to celebrate each soul i never got to meet. there is no longer a need for self destructive coping mechanisms over that. i know i have lots of work to do, but this time i’m going to really really do it, and work hard. i’m going to fall in love with myself again, let my aura shine bright again. 
-deej