Reason I love travelling #1

Longer “vacations”. 

I have never been able to stay at my mom and dad for longer then a weekend. If I was lucky. I always had to go back to work. This year, I get the amazing experience of living with my mom and dad for two whole months. I get to shadow their lives. And don’t you know it, they can’t stop talking about how lucky they feel to have their oldest daughter at home for a while. And smiling all proudly, “yes! Those are real dreads!”. My mom would boast. “My oldest,” I know my dad would say, ” I could fit her on my forearm and palm the day that she was born”. 
I saw amazing things today. No, it wasn’t the effil tower, or the latest tourist trend. All the people I saw today were family. I saw the air filled with love today. Tears of joy, and deep hearted laughs. While we shared food and stories, we really couldn’t help ourselves. When the sweets got passed around, four pieces didn’t seem like too many. I saw celebrations of the recent battles won, and a shared ping of grieve, for the loved ones who were gone. I saw amazing people today. The daily work they each do. They daily battles, and the lives they live. Mixed personalities, emotions and thoughts. 
I know I didn’t stay long, I’m not much of a people person, I like to spend my time alone. But I am so grateful for my family. For my parents, my brothers and sisters, my aunts, uncles, and cousins. I am grateful for my grandma. She is such a strong, beautiful woman. I feel very lucky to know you all. 

So thank you for showing your love. To take the energy to come together, to bring food and bake delicious sweet stuff. I know I’m gone a lot, but you are always on my mind. Thank you for showing all your strengths. 

~ Deej 

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Slacker! 

I have been slacking. I sort of apologize. 

My motivation has been stuck between mounds of snow. I can’t stop shivering while I try and dig it out. 

Sigh. 

Life in Hawaii was warmer. 

But, the other day, I met this fabulous woman. She is this giant ray of sunshine in this cold northern city. Warm hearted, gentle, and loving. I have to say, I sorta fell in love instantly. 

No, it’s not that. Don’t get your mind into a bunch, I feel she will be a lifelong friend and possible business partner. 

You see, her dreams match mine, her words echo loudly, and my modivation has been slowly thawing. 

Prince Albert is cold. I try to keep up with running, with exploring, but really, all I want to do is hibernate. Or hop on a plane back to tropical Hawaii. Unfortunately, my bank account won’t allow me to do that. 

I tired to go hiking, and I’ve tried to go snowshoeing. Wonderful winter activities. But as I started putting the multiple layers of clothing required, I gave up. Pussy, I know. 

So I have nothing for you, accept to say that I am a slacker. 

So, you get pictures of snow…..

A cold cold winter’s walk.


And cakes…. cuz it’s warm when you bake. 

Home for dad’s birthday! Spoiling him with delicious sugar.


Hmmm black Forrest cake


Welcome to the hash reality of A cold Saskatchewan winter. 

I promise to have more travel photos soon. Or, just more pictures of snow. Because I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned, it’s cold here. 

-Deej 

Happiness

Sometimes, life brings us places that we don’t always necessarily want to be. But if I’ve learnt anything in the past year, I know that there is beauty everywhere in the world. 

Prince Albert Saskatchewan may not be on everyone’s travel list… but I’m going to show you the beauty that is here. 

Happiness doesn’t depend on your location.. it depends on your heart.


Everyday, I make an effort to live a grateful life. Today, I am especially grateful for my family. No matter what, they’ve always been there. As many of you know, sometimes the decisions we make, even if at the time we think they are right, don’t always end up being the best one. But no matter what, I can always call my mom and dad, or my sister and brothers, and they’ll answer the phone, answer the text from my crazed mind, and be there. 

Baby, it’s cold inside! Bundle up, and get outside anyway!

Moving back in with my parents at the age of 35 was something I never thought would happen. But here’s the best thing… I have that option. I’m not on the streets, I’m not stuck somewhere random, I have a heated house and a warm bed. Most importantly, I can still fill my belly with delicious food everyday. 

So I am grateful. Thankful that I am loved. 


~ Deej 

Stop Dreaming, Start Doing.

Its time for some action. It’s time to start doing.

 

For so long, I’ve compromised myself, changed myself to blend in. To “fit” in.

 

I would stop writing, or stop drawing because the people I was surrounded by didn’t get it, or I would get so busy working. Working three jobs at a time, just to get by. Ignoring my ambitions and my goals, just so I wouldn’t stand out. Even recently, I’ve hid my dreads, my desires and dreams, scared that people would think I’m weird, or that they wouldn’t like me.

 

No more blending. No more sitting in the corner, hiding. It’s time to start doing. Working on the dreams I have had for so long. What have I always talked about, and dreamed about?
Work and travel. Be self sustainable, self sufficient. Make money anywhere in the world.
In high school, I remember a great ambition. I wanted to be a cop. I started running, doing research, and slowly working towards that. But then, I seemed to have gotten in my own way. Listening to the variety of doubt and negative comments. I gave up the ambition. Spent my time blending, drinking with the “in” crowd, and worked up to three jobs at one time, just to get by. I would meet a guy and “fall in love”, ignoring all the red flags and things I didn’t like, just because I didn’t want to be alone.

 

I was scared to stand out, scared of the dark, scared of failure, scared to look people in the eye, scared to expose myself, scared to stand up. I was so afraid that people wouldn’t like me, I became the person that everybody liked. Agreeing with everyone, and rarely standing up for my own thoughts or believes. I never wanted to argue and I hated debating.

 

It’s enough.

 

Life is short. We hear it everyday, follow your dreams! Do what you want to do! But only a few of us listen to it, only a select few follow it.

 

So, I’m getting out of the corner, I’m going to stand up and defy society. Defy the “normal”, or what someone else wants me to do. I’m going to simply be me. I’m going to show the world just what I’m made of.

 

I am no longer going to simply “fit in”.

 

Don’t like my dreads? Too bad, guess we’re not hanging out. Feel uncomfortable with how much passion and love I have to give? Too bad, I’m going to show you anyway. Don’t like my lifestyle? That’s OK. Go sit on your couch and be miserable while I show you how beautiful the world really is.

 

This brings me to an announcement. This will be my last highly emotional blog post. The last blog post trying to put the puzzle together, and figuring out my life.

 

I’ve spent the last eight months or so in complete solitude. Holed up on a farm on the edge of the big island. Most of the time, simply sitting. Listening to my heartbeat, and watching the rise and fall of my chest with every breath. I came to a very vivid realization.

 

I’m alive.

 

I’m still breathing.

 

My X may have beat me down, kicked me while I was down, and continued for years to beat me with his harsh words and his cruel reality.

 

But he didn’t win.

 

I won.

 

Because I am alive.
I am still breathing.

 

It’s time to start acting like it. I’m turning this blog into a travel blog. It will no longer be plagued with negativity, and the cruelty of emotional abuse. Each day is a blessing. A rare one. I am healthy, I am physically fit, and am capable.
I’m going to start showing it.

 

So if you are reading this, I have to say a huge MAHALO! (thank-you, respect, regards, praise, admiration). It’s because of your support on here that I have found the strength to move on. To move past the chaos, and the hurt. By reading these posts, by liking and commenting, you’ve helped me to continue. Even if some posts were hard to read, or the reality of the situation too tough to comprehend, you were here with me, with every step. Without this blog, the puzzle in my mind would still be unfinished. It would still be a pile of unorganized pieces.

 

I’m turning this blog into a travel blog. I’m going to share with you the wonders of this world. With the blessings I get to experience, and the amazing people I get the privilege  to meet.

 

So buckle in, and wait for the ride. Even the bad days are going to be amazing.

 

In other words, according to my dad, professional trucker of over 30 years, says “If you don’t like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.”

-Deej

I don’t want to be angry anymore. 

Yesterday, I started to write about the remaining small amount of anger I was holding onto. But as this small red dot danced around my brain, I just couldn’t find the right words. It bounced between images of two people in this past year. As I focused on how much I hated them, and what they did to me, I noticed out the corner of my eye, the red dot glowing brighter. Gaining momentum and speed, it now raced between the images. 

I noticed how my heart tried to keep up, pumping more blood to the negativity that was suddenly consuming all the space. 

I suddenly let go of the reigns, stepped back and simply watched the show. 

The dreams in the background were fading, the healthy words were being clouded by black. Twisting them to create havoc, instead of love. 

I was in awe at how fast the hatred took over. Pulling jealousy, disdain, and mistrust in like it was nothing. 

So I had to ask, ” is this what I wanted to watch?” I felt like I was watching Saw – The final chapter. Seriously? Where are all the colors in this world? I’m an artist, there is very little inspiration with a pallet of only red and black. 

So settle in, I’m changing it to The Notebook. 

And no, I don’t care what you think. Instead of stabbing you, I’m going to kiss you. 

I’m going to forgive you. 

I’m firing them all. Jealousy, fear, anger, and disdain…. all of them. Your job is done is here. 

As I let go, I watched the black fade into light. I felt like I was dreaming. There were so many people! I couldn’t see them before because it was so dark. It didn’t matter where in the world I looked, I was always surrounded. Hugs, kisses, respect…. and love. 

:Ladies:

I wish there were enough words to tell you how beautiful you are. 

I wish my energy, calm and loving, would reach through these words and penetrate your soul. 

I wish you would believe me when I tell you – YOU are enough. 

I want to tell you earnestly to let go. Let go of the anger, the resentment. Let go of the pain. It truly isn’t worth it. 

I want to tell you to take a moment to love. Love yourself. Look in the mirror and say this, “you-are so awesome. So beautiful!” And believe yourself! 

Don’t hate the scars, they boldly tell all the battles you’ve survived. 

Don’t hate the fat, or the bones, or the hair, or the toes. Defy society. There is no model. You are you. Ten toes, five finger, one kidney, no spleen! Whatever. It’s yours. Own it. 

The government can take your house. 

The ex can take your stuff. 

But NO ONE can take away the love for yourself. Your love doesn’t depend on anyone. 

So when I tell you – you are beautiful! Will you believe me? Will you look in the mirror tonight, discard everyone else’s thoughts and opinions, and smile. 

Because, 

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! 
– Deej 

Universe… send me Superman! 😉

Sometimes, in a moment of despair, I wonder if it’s ever going to get better. I wonder if it’ll ever be different. Although these moments are welcomed, so I can work through the underlying issue, but they seem to last forever. 

But here’s what I keep reading, and really, the reality check. No one but me, can save me. 

I know I have lots of people around the world that love me. I have many people I could call, text, write and they would love to hear from me. At any time I could lay my burdens on their shoulders. I know I am never truly alone in the world. 

But at the end of the day, when I close my eyes to sleep, I am alone with my mind. 

It’s like doing a thru hike alone. A daunting task even for the experienced. ((Walking Vancouver Island!)). Alone on the trail, you are the only one making the daily decisions. Friends have taught you important details, family is encouraging you, waiting by the phone excited for every call. But at the end of the day, you have to decide where to put your tent so the bears won’t make you their midnight meal. 

I am the only one who will ever know every true intention, every true emotion, and every true thought. It’s my responsibility to measure out my actions. To decide what I believe, decide what’s right, and what’s wrong. 

As I am writing this, I quickly checked Facebook ( yes, totally distracted!), but the first thing I read was this,
“No one is going to love you exactly like you imagined. No one is ever going to read your mind and take every star out of the sky and hand it to you. No one is going to show up at your door on a horse with a shoe you lost. Do you understand? That’s why you have to love yourself enough, so that any other just adds more candles on the cake you’ve already iced.” Stephanie Bennet-Henry

No, I don’t want anyone to “save” me, to save my soul. I want to be my own superhero in my story. 

However, I wouldn’t say no….. 
if a set of muscles suddenly appeared. Slowly removing his glasses, and unbuttoning his suit to reveal, that he is Superman. And whisks me off my feet into the starry night……. 
-Deej

Take it easy. Just breath a little! 

It’s funny how easily it seems that guilt slides into the picture.
 I haven’t seen anyone in at least 6 days. My only company has been two roosters who squawk all the time. Four hens who chatter all day long, a dog that whines if he can see me, but can’t reach me, and, well, me. 
And by the way – I am great company. 
I have worked so hard physically, and mentally this week… that puzzle is starting to take shape. I am feeling fantastic. No, not every day these last six days has been a cake walk, it’s been a little tough. Definitely some tears have been shed, and a voice – like, only once, that could probably be heard a couple of farms away. However daunting, it is all necessary. It’s just me, travelling through some overgrown weeds on the land…. and in my mind. 
The guilt wants some time when I’m sitting. I often meditate, or just simply sit. Have you ever just sat there? Let your mind wander, or not. Maybe the birds are singing, maybe it’s quiet. I find myself doing this for hours out here. I’ll get lost in the peace, and not know where time went. It’s been a long time since the last time I had time to do this. I’ve always been so busy… I feel like I shouldn’t be able to do this. I have tons of responsibility on the farm… but it doesn’t feel like work. It feels like I’m camping, and they have a fabulous salted pool and work out facility! I finally have a chance to just breath. To just take a moment. Life is always so busy, and I’ve created an opportunity for myself, so I could get the time to heal. I won’t feel guilty for that. 
A couple of people recommended that I see a therapist. Although I do think there is a time and place… this time, I know exactly what I needed to get through this. 
Some damn peace and quiet. 
So guilt, I know your lingering, trying to sneak in… but I’ve worked hard for this. I sacrificed a lot just to make it here. I am still working hard for this. 
Go ahead and try, you won’t get past my glittery rainbow wall. 
– Deej 

Home 

For the first time in almost eight years, my mind and my body, are in the same place. I realized today where my absolute contentment came from. 
My mind isn’t trying to escape. 
Suddenly, 
Meditation is possible. 
Lucid dreaming is happening. 
My mind has been creating this place for the last 7 years. The place I used to seek when I needed to escape the drama of my life.
Five months ago, when I took my first step on this island, my heart sang, “finally! I am home!” With absolutely nothing planned, I instantly wondering what it would take to stay permantly. So I let go, and followed my heart. Each step I took for reason, absolute trust, and I was fearless. 
Although my tomorrows remain unknown, each day I wake with the sun, full of love, gratitude, and joy. 
Today, I think some of my bruises healed. 
-Deej 

Hide 

Let’s hide from the silence, turn that shit up. I don’t want to hear the voice in my head. 
Let’s just feel the beat, turn it up a notch. I don’t want to hear your thoughts echoing ahead. 
Let’s listen to one more song. Please, just turn it up. I don’t want to hear the sounds beyond my bed. 
We can dance to the rhythm. Maybe, turn it up one more click. I don’t want to hear the words you once said. 
Let’s hide from the silence. It’s too scary to stop. I don’t want to hear anything. My heart feels like lead. 
-Deej