My First Week back in Canada 

I am apparently still a little bit of a mess.

 

If felt easier being seemingly stable in Hawaii. Nobody knew me, it was like I was a brand new person. It was adventurous and I was always distracted. This week being back home has been kind of awful. I have been too tired to do anything, so really, all I have been doing is idling around with all these memories and moments bouncing through my head. Most moments wishing I was there instead of here.  I’m not sure if it was the transition, the jet leg, the lack of sleep, or maybe a little bit of culture shock, but I have to honestly say, i didn’t do very well this week. I spent many moments being wistful, and way too many hours refreshing the Facebook and Instagram feed just to get a peek of any new Hawaii posts and messages. Feeling giddy at every glimpse and impatient when nothing was there. I had to really fight to stay in each moment, often failing, caught in a daydream of the last couple of months.

 

Trust me, I know I sound redundant when I continually reference back to my past, not so fun relationship… but it’s not easy picking yourself up after that. It’s not easy staying stable and not breaking down at the slightest trigger. In Hawaii, I had many triggers, and many moments where i would find a small corner and cry, letting go of all the bad memories and replacing the negative with happy, the bad thoughts with encouraging empowerment. I felt so safe in Hawaii…like the people and the land were protecting me. Here, I feel a bit more vulnerable, a little less protected. 

I saw this photo on facebook today… this is what it said:

“Someone who has been mentally abused will: *constantly apologize *hide their feelings in fear of upsetting you *break down during small disagreements thinking it will explode *need constant reassurance. Be patient! We are trying!”

I was that person. Well, ok, I still am kind of that person, even though I do feel a lot stronger now, then I did that first day i left. I feel more like “myself” then I have in years. I feel joy again, I laugh and make jokes often and rarely have any hatred and anger brewing.  

Here’s the thing- there is no timeline on healing. There is no one that says i have to be completely over it in three months. I still have moments of panic, of the disillusion of failure and deceit. I still have moments where I don’t feel good enough, strong enough, or worthy enough.

But I let Hawaii teach me. I let Hawaii change me. Ya, I went a little crazy this week, made some mistakes, but i didn’t falter. I didn’t give in to my fears and I followed through on my emotions. I said what I truly meant, even if it took me a day and a little fight to say it. I meditated and focused on grounding myself amongst the chaos.

Some days I feel like superman.

Seeing as my self esteem and confidence took the brunt of the beating, I have been looking for ways so try and regain some of it. I meditate a fair bit, but I also started standing in power poses. Internet says, ” Power poses change your brains perspective of yourself by tricking your mind into believing you’re more confident then you are.” Trust me, it works. And I like superman, so I often picture myself with superhuman strength and nigh-invulnerability. 


 

The world is scary. People can be scary, and everything is unpredictable. The thing is, I think we all have just enough crazy in us to face our fears, follow our dreams, and make our life what we want.

Be determine, be strong, be everything you know you are. If you are healing from something in your life, please be kind and patient with yourself. Give yourself lots of time, and don’t feel guilty for the moments you have to hide away just to be able to feel. Feel it, let the emotion come. Recognize it, hear it, and remember it, next time the wave comes maybe it won’t leave you breathless. Then stand up, breath deep and dig for all the strength I know you have, because you are awesome. 
Will you do something for me? Will you show me your superman pose? Or any power pose you choose. Find me on Facebook or Instagram and tag me, or post on my page. I would love to see your powerful! 

Hawaii 

I can’t believe it’s over. If I didn’t have pictures of myself there, I would have thought it was all a dream. 
I have been trying for the last two days to right something epic. Poetry that would leave you wistful, tearful, and content. But my mind is still a muddle, it’s a wonder I can even understand my own notes, so I thought I would just write, and be completely straight with you. 

I fell in love. 
I fell in love with Hawaii. I fell in love with the land, the coffee field, the chickens, the sunrises and the sunsets. I fell in love with the joy I felt there, the peace and contentment that washed over me. I fell in love with all the happy hearted, soul solid, absolutely loving people. 

The point of going to Hawaii, was to escape from the harsh reality that I was living. To prove to myself that I could be the girl I once was, only stronger, and better. 

Looking back, I realize how hard I had to fight to get to this moment. The last five years have been rather shitty, but through all the experiences, I can boldly say, I have no regrets. 

So many milestones, experiences, and memories that will never be forgotten. Even though it ended in divorce, I get to say that I got the wedding of my dreams. Shopping with my mom for my dress, planning even the tiniest details for the day, being surrounded by my favourite people, and my dad walking me down the isle to the man I once loved, even giving in to the mother in law for a big catered reception that I didn’t want. Even if I never have any kids in this lifetime, I can say that I’ve experienced pregnancy. I went through cravings, watched as my belly grew, and my body changed. I experienced the pure joy as I saw my baby Ailey’s heartbeat on the ultrasound monitor, and had the strength to walk out of the doctors office two weeks later when they said it was no longer there. I had the strength to deal with the mental and physical pain of delivering my baby Jewel all alone in my bathtub for 8 solid hours at only three months along. I got to experience the pest control business, and be fantastic at it! To be in an apartment suite so full of cockroaches, it’s impossible to count. Armed with a face mask and chemical, and spray until I saw no more roaches running! I worked by butt off until I owned my own pest control business, and a Tacoma truck that I boldly, proudly drove around Saskatoon. I made more money in three months then I would have in a year at a job that I probably would have hated. I survived travelling Jamaica, Europe, Mexico, and Canada with the toughest person to travel with. I survived, even though he ditched me for a week with no communication in Jamaica, he would constantly throw our only available food away in anger, berated, belittled, and manipulated me in Europe, and left me at three various bus stations, and once in a pharmasave parking lot with my stuff,and the cat, scattered around for everyone to witness while we were crossing Canada. I got into a bad relationship, full of guilt, depression, and hatred, and it almost took everything I had in me. It almost took me. But with the help of my true friends, and definitely my family, I had the strength and courage to walk away. To not let it take the very last piece of me.

I am who I am because of all that. 

I had the bravery to hop on a plane to Hawaii, by myself, with nothing planned. Having the confidence that once I got there, I would know what to do. 

And I did. 
And dude, it was tight! 

So this year, it’s about me. I’ll fly solo, seeking everything my soul longs for. Peace, solitude, adventure…. love. Real love. Real friendships and respect. I’m going to put myself together again. I will go where my heart leads. 

And I left my heart in Hawaii……  

All I long for right now, is the coffee field. Being surrounded by the call of the roosters, the power of the Hawaii land, getting high on spliffs, and embracing all the smiles and joy that surrounded me there. 

I left to face my fear. To face the man that once took my soul, destroyed most of my possessions, and trampled on this kind heart that gave him everything. I left the safety of Hawaii to say goodbye to the lost girl I once was. To finally let go of the baggage and the depression. To move on to something greater. 

All I know in this very moment, is that Hawaii is not done with me yet, the land is calling me. 
~ Deej 

This is me 

“Oh, I don’t like to bother anyone””Why not? It’s fun.” 

I don’t know who I am. 

I’m also not very opinionated, so I usually just go along with whatever’s happening, but lately I’ve been feeling the importance of getting to know me. 

I don’t like waking people up, but it’s because of the bad experiences. Take those away, take those memories, and see. 

My mom used to stand at the bottom of the stairs and yell “good morning!” But that was my mom. My dad, although rare, would come into the room and softly put his hand on our heads and say ” good morning sweet heart”. That was my dad. 

Personally, I like waking up slow. I like waking up with the sun in my face, and no alarm clock. I also like being woken up. No matter what time, and no matter what. Anything from wild pigs outside, to the sound of someone playing the ukulele at 2 am because they couldn’t sleep. I remember once a friend sat down on the edge of my bed, and blew the fresh coffee steam in my face so I would wake up to the smell. That was my favourite, that’s what I would choose. 

So maybe I like waking people up. Slowly, with a cup of fresh coffee. 
~Deej 

Life

There are often moments, where I can only stop and stare.
Reflecting, marvelling, body motionless, enjoying the air.

 

Look at my life, let’s just take a quick look.
I knew I was right, it’s way better then a book.

 

So let’s be straight.
Everyday, I am surrounded by sexy, gorgeous California Hawaiian dudes.
Dreadlocks, wide smiles, and the big ocean blue.

 

I am friends with a guy that can boldly stand on stage.
With mic in hand, to say what’s on his mind,
Has a caring soul, and a heart that’s so patiently kind.
Can rope a wild cow, handle a gun, and let’s go hunt some pigs!

 
I fall asleep each night to the sound of the frogs,
And open my eyes each morning watching the rising sun.
I can’t remember the last time I had so much fun.

 

Taking a lazy morning, rolling in the blankets till way after nine.
Listening to Joni Mitchell and Iron and Wine,
wishing the sexy man in the other room wanted to meet his lips with mine.

 

Picking papayas for oatmeal in the morning, and gathering avocados to slay.
Spending the day shucking leaves from the green coffee trees,
while the roosters chase the chickens, and the pheasants get out of harms way.

 

Getting lost in the land, and high on a spliff.
I think I’ll spend my time alone for a jiff.
Soaking the sun, with the happy hearted, and the California styles.
Where I can learn to speak in poetry, and chase the pigs for miles.

~ Deej

Reflection

Today, is for reflection. 

My body is mostly still, resting its sore muscles and the sun over-kissed skin. My mind is travelling the depths of memory, organizing thoughts, and creating patterns. 
When I booked my ticket to Kona, Hawaii, I had no idea what to expect. I had a vision of what I wanted, and just focused on finding the stuff that would make me happy. I asked myself, ” what do you need to heal?” I wanted solitude, a safe place to call home for a while, people around full of love, and solid souls. I wanted freedom with my days, and something to keep my hands busy. I wanted to be challenged emotionally, and physically but have to the space to figure it all out. 
Since the moment I landed here, I have been aware of every decision. Every moment is soaked right in, implanted in the memory bank for safe keeping. I truly listen to myself, to what I want, to what I need. It has taken some work! Every day has not always been a mentally smooth ride. The first two weeks were a constant stream of tears, and screaming inside my head. Most days I just sat back, baffled at the kindness and respect. Now, I am so grateful for everyday. I find myself saying thank you often, smiling, and enjoying everything. 
I no longer feel guilty for having a good day. 
I no longer spend my time worrying about what other people will think, or what they will say. I remain bold, confident, and thoughtful. 
Most days, I spend alone on the farm as everyone is busy with the business in town. It is blissful. I basically do whatever I want, but I work a lot. It keeps me grounded, keeps my hands busy and my mind gets to wonder. Plus, I get an epic work out everyday. I am feeling a lot more balanced these days, and rested. I am not ready to leave…. I am drawing everyday, and writing is taking a whole new level. I am in love with the sun, and being barefoot 90% of the time. I am in love with this farm, the people, and the lifestyle. 
……………………

The other day I was here on the farm by myself, worked all day pulling weeds, and cutting coffee trees, but I wasn’t quite sure what to do with the evening. Looking in the fridge for supper food, I discovered a bottle of Toquilla, about a 1/4 of the bottle remaining. I gathered the supper ingredients for some fancy gourmet meatballs, grabbed the bottled and headed out to the kitchen to cook… and drink. The last couple of years, alcohol was constantly used to escape pain and numb the constant anxiety and depression. Tonight, was about enjoyment, empowerment, and independence. 
I cranked up some Die Antwoord and sang all the words I knew loudly, (and possibly off-key), cooked meatballs and drank taquila till the bottle was gone. 
I sat around a roaring fire, eating my supper like I was on a date with myself. I had a blast, it was so much fun. 
Being alone for so long, I thought I’d get lonely, but I’m not. I don’t miss ‘home’, I actually don’t miss anyone yet. 
There are many barriers I am still working on tearing down. The biggest, making my voice heard. I don’t always speak up when I should, and have on occasion found that I cower in the corner, too afraid to be loud. I still can’t sing in front of people… it’s driving me crazy, but for some reason I can’t get past that barrier. I know I will never stop growing, and each day, each moment I know is bringing me closer to the person that I am meant to be. The person that I want to be. 
“If you figure me out, I want an explanation”. 
This vacation was about finding myself. There are some days I think, “am I doing this wrong? What will other people think when they hear I only spent time at a farm in Hawaii?” Once the thought is over, I quickly change it. It doesn’t matter what you think, or if you are going to judge me. What matters is how I feel, how I’m doing. 
Here is how I am doing:

It’s about 7 am, and I am sitting here on the deck, beside the outdoor kitchen, listening to all the birds sing their songs. There are thousands of them. I can hear them in the kitchen as they land on the dirty pot on the stove for a tiny fleck of food. I can hear them whiz by me, as their wings hit the air, gaining speed and distance. This is one of my favourite moments of the day. I am the only one awake, and as I take a sip from my strong fresh coffee, and eat the Papaya I just picked, I marvel at just how great I feel. From where I am sitting, I can see the ocean hitting the rocky shoreline, and the occasional boat on the water that looks smaller then an ant. The sun is beaming down, already hot, making me sweat. 
…………………..

Have you ever just stared at yourself in the mirror? Like, actually looked, studied, and memorized your face? If I’m with someone, I like looking at them. Study their expressions, watch their lips move, and their eyes follow the emotion of their mind. I like to observe their body language, and listen to their words. ………….. but have you ever done that with yourself? Set aragence, pride, and conceit aside, and just look. 

“Just do it if you want to! Realise that you are enough for yourself. Don’t be scared of judgement but most of all, don’t be scared of yourself.” 

Maybe I haven’t really really looked because I’m scared of myself. But lately the fear has confused me. Why am I afraid? And what am I afraid of? So sometimes, I put a mirror in front of me and just look. I watch my expressions, my eyes, my mouth. 
Maybe for the first time ever, I am really getting to know myself. 
So today, as the sun sets, and the birds start their lalabyes, I will marvel at the beauty. I will look at myself, and say thank you, for all the hard work you’ve done. For holding your head high, and facing every moment in your life. I will smile, and be kind to myself, replacing contempt with forgiveness, and simply release all the tension. 
I am complex, emotional, and unique. 

~ Deej 

The Daily Mind 

Some days there is so much space between my mind and my mouth, 
it’s frustrating. 
Some people speak in poetry, 

Their words flow so evenly. 

The kind I can write, but never say outright. 

So here is my mind, in pieces 

Randomly put in order. 

Retraining

Learning how to be with healthy people again. Good people again. 

Happy hearted, and soul solid. 

I figured it out the other day 

I am simply reacting the way I’m used to, but not the way I want to. 

I am holding back, 

ducking beneath the tree of everything I lack. 

I cut that tree down yesterday, 

I’m just going to do what comes naturally. 

No overthinking, 

No determining. 
Just do it. Don’t hold back. 
Every morning, when my mind awakes

My intention loud, feeling proud, 

 “follow my heart, follow my soul. 

embrace the moment and see the end goal. 
No expectations, no waiting for the moment. 
Do it with love and happily. ” 

then I let go.

the fear, the ache, 

and just do what comes naturally. 
Just the other day 

Some things I meant say,

………………………

” How’s your driving? Not just ok. 

You handle the car like you handle your life. 

Confident. Strong. A little reckless, but controlled. 

I totally trust you out there, 

Don’t worry, you got this. 
………………………………..
Always. Always. 

let your actions mimic your words. 

Let your words mimic your actions. 

If your down in life, everything sucks. Depression plucks. 

But each moment, take a look. 

It’s deeper, and brighter, far better then a book. 

Can we just start to balance each other out? 

We’ve all got chaos to remember dancing through our heads, 

I’m sorry I forgot the keys, and didn’t make the beds. 

Life takes so much energy, 

It sometimes takes our memory. 

Pick up the small pieces, we can’t do I all.

It’s not about mistakes, really, we are all that small. 

Don’t spite, don’t hate. But don’t worry if you’re already too late. 

Let love be back in, and say sorry to your mate. 

Life’s too short to worry about love. 

Say it, don’t say, just go above. 

People make mistakes often, daily, hourly

Their reactions weird and misinformed 

Learn from it, change it. 

Move on, and stop being sourly. 

I love wearing my heart on my sleeve, 

It’s sometimes gets hurt from it, 

But that’s ok, because I’ll learn from it. 

embrace it, stop and listen, feel from it. 

Saying I love you too much NEVER 

diminishes the emotion from it”.

Just don’t, whatever you do, 

 Forget about love. 

Say it, don’t say it, just rise above. 

………………….

~ Deej 

The big ugly 

…………………

Verbal abuse is not just the words used.

 It’s the tone, the sentence, the paragraph in entirety. The immediate environment, and energy of the person. I spent a lot of my time feeling scared. Sitting paralyzed, because I was scared to brush my teeth, but scared to not brush my teeth. I was scared to clean the bathroom, because I had already done it that week, scared to have to pee… scared to eat. I remember often going all day without eating, simply because I was scared of how he would react. I was scared of everything, and I thought it was just me. I now realize I wasn’t me, that I am actually pretty brave, like to take a bit of a risk, and am confident in my decisions. 

In general, I am a very forgiving person. It’s likely one of the reasons why I stayed for so long. I always knew he was dealing with high enxiety and depression. I always realized that most of his actions were not really him, and that he had very little control over them. So I took on the responsibility. It was a huge stresser for me as well, but I didn’t realize that at the moment, I thought I’d be able to handle it. I just wanted to help him. I had the constant feeling that if I was just a little nicer to him he would see it, if I showed him what real love was then he would see it, learn it and start treating me better. I would be the example, and I wouldn’t be like everyone else who just abandoned him. 
I didn’t realize until it was almost too late, that I lost a lot of myself doing that. It wouldn’t have mattered what I did, or what I said. I could be the nicest, friendliest person to him, or I could be a bitch, and constantly say mean things. It wouldn’t have mattered. I couldn’t help him. I still can’t help him. 

Now that I am disconnected, I see what it was, what it is. 

When I met him, I let him in because I was vulnerable. I was hurting, and my heart and soul were in pain. I had just dealt with my 5th miscarriage and my marriage was over.  His dominance was attractive, because I didn’t ever have to make a decision. In the beginning it felt like a relieve to me. But while trying to regain my strength from my own tragedies, instead of using it to heal my wounds, my energy went into his. 

I remember early on, before we ever started dating, I was sitting in my truck in front of his place shaking, not knowing what to do. He was in the garage threatening suicide, and told me to not call the cops. I couldn’t do nothing, so I called the local suicide hotline. I needed help, feeling so helpless, I didn’t know what else to do. Just knowing he was in there by himself, ready to kill his own breath, and I was the only other person who knew about it, and it was too much for me to handle on my own. So I gave the person on the phone his phone number, and they called him. In hindsight, I still think I did the right thing to do. Well, maybe I should have just called the cops, but at least someone else knew about it. He called me immedietly and lost it on me. Called me names, made me feel smaller then an ant. I felt horrible, bad for what I did even if it was the right thing. So instead of pulling away, I drew myself closer to him, thinking that I was the only person that could help him. I stopped talking to my friends and family because I didn’t want them to see it, I didn’t want them to see him. 

It was a wild ride after that. We had a few good moment, but for the next two, almost three years, it was only my solitude strength that held me together. Every time he would call me names and then apologize, or make me feel as small as an aphid, my fragile strength grew weaker, until I started to believe everything he was telling me. Maybe I was a cunt, and a piece of shit that couldn’t ever do the right thing. I started hiding within myself, hiding my talents, and keeping myself a secret. It was the only way I could survive. 

So even now, I know most of his actions were caused by anxiety and depression. Pressured speech, being trapped in his own mind, but it doesn’t matter. It would have been easier to heal if he would have taken a hammer and broken all of my bones. His actions, his words penetrated my heart, my soul, my creative power. Now the people around also suffer, because I still hide part of me away, just waiting for the next blow. Still expecting that it will all be derailed. 

I still have not forgiven him, and I hold a lot of anger for him. He is persistent, and even though now on medication, insists that he is miraculously healed, and we are meant to be together. All I can see in my mind though are the accusing eyes, and the tone of voice that has said so many times, ” You stupid cunt, maybe you should think next time”. How do you forgive someone who took your soul, your creative power away? 

It might be a bit unorthodox, but I thought I would share his words. It doesn’t make it alright, and it doesn’t make it easier to forgive him, but now you have his side of the story. The cycle remains the same, however, as just last week he sent me alarming texts, saying he wasn’t sure what was he was going to do. That I was the only one to understand, and that he needed to talk to me immedietly. I wasn’t responding to any previous texts, so maybe he thought if he threatened his life or well being again, I would once again give him my energy. Feeling the strength of what Hawaii has offered me, I quickly blocked his address, and went back to the coffee field to work. 

He asked me to share his words, I have not changed a single one. It is copy and pasted from my email. 

……………………………………………….

“What does suicide mean to you? How does your own thoughts of suicide appear? 

My suicide attempts was always not to hurt anyone, it was to hurt myself. For 28 years and 6 months, I have been trapped, trapped in my own mind. At the age of 13 I came up with the nick name for my self and that was “the slave driver” it wasn’t until 3 weeks ago that I truly understand why I gave myself that name. I always knew/felt that I was a slave to my own mind. Everything in my life was opposite, from hating a song, to ending up enjoying it, say no to an event or concert, while deep down inside I was screaming yes. This for of mental trap created me to believe at one point that I could predict the future. Anxiety which I never understood as no one ever explained the feeling, this lead me to believe that when I got this “feeling” I sensed something bad was going to happen, and sure enough something bad would happen. I remember my whole life having such “spaz attacks, tantrums, childish out bursts” the frustration that would build up in my mind would push to to a point where fight or flight would kick in and I would loose my shit. In my mind I would tell my self, do not panic, do not freak out, there is no reason, yet I never had the strength to control my bodies feeling or reactions. It felt like I was watching a horror movie and no matter how much I yell at the actor in the tv screen, the actor never listened and would still walk into trouble. That was me watching my life through my eyes, my brain saying the right things, yet my mouth would not say the words my brain would say, my body would not respond to way my brain was telling my body to respond. My brain knows I am weak, I accept that I am weak, my body expresses strength, my words express intimidation. From what’s inside is opposite of what outside. That used to make me so angry, I never understood why there was such a difference. This mental trap I have been in has helped me ruin my life. There were 2 only 2 reasons why I ever wanted or Attempted to suicide for, one was I wanted to escape this cycle of not being able to be who I truly am, second reason was, I never ever wanted to watch my self hurt anyone ever again!    

The last 28 years and 6 months, I have not been me, I have been able to express my own real emotions. I feel that I was truly watching my life through a window, without anyone being able to see me or hear me, only this replication of me, the opposite of me. Every birthday and every holiday I would feel emotions so strong, I would get sick, I would want to enjoy the time, yet the feeling and emotions running through my body would create confusion in my brain and then I would react in a scared, angry, confused way, I would begin to hate myself for the way I felt, I crest such problems that I eventually started to avoid birthdays, holidays and other family gatherings. Then the next birthday, I would do everything to avoid everyone as my emotions would blow up and I would start to hate myself for not being able to be normal and enjoy my birthday, Christmas etc, that’s when the suicide would start. In a sense I would do it for attention like a cry for help, most of all I wanted to self hate to stop, I want the emotions I was feeling to stop. 

Since on the meds, my appetite has changed, the foods I used to dislike (mushrooms, spinach, fried onions, etc) I now enjoy more than ever. I still enjoy the old foods that I used to like. 

Sexual thoughts and behaviors have changed drastically and has become minimal, I no longer stare/gawk at women’s bodies, or have inappropriate comments with in my own mind or to others, I am more focused on what I deem as normal compared to the past. I no longer masturbate every morning (which I did for atleast 10+years) and I no longer watch porn nearly as often as I used to and when I do its different, more appropriate and respectful compared to before. 

The way I interact with strangers is more direct, I hold accept able eye contact and am more open to listening and processing before responding. I find I give more of a positive response when talking. I am able to now sit and not be frigidity or impatient. I am alot more interactive in the the things I want to do where before I would only bicker and complain. All the previous opposites in my mind are all now on the same level as everything else. I like the things i like and dislike the things that I actually dislike, where the past I would dislike because the anxiety and pressured speech was so strong that I dislike stuff for absolutely no reason. I disliked it because I liked it (yeah messed up). I no longer talk to others and lecture or criticize the things about them or their bodies or their actions. 

I now have a roommate that is someone that in the past I wouldn’t even bat an eye to mentally destroy and the things he says are the types of things I would just tear apart. He is a womanizer, alcoholic, country kid, juice head gym guy, He is the epitome of who I would never associate with, not in a million years, yet with the meds removing the bullshit from my brain, I actually listen to him talk, provide positive feed back when he asks for it, otherwise I am very clear thinking and not bothered by him. His bs does not phase me at all and that is a massive difference from the past. When I moved in we had a talk, he said bluntly “Be aware, I am a pretty douchey and sleazy!” My response was “Thats ok, you seem confident in the path you have chosen, who am I to judge…As long you do not involve me or make it personal to me, I could care less. I will let you know when you cross the boundary, or if you get close to it. Otherwise enjoy life!” . My overall tolerance to what I used to call stupidity is not bothersome to me at all. 

It is such a change and a warm welcomed change to finally feel the way I feel, Think the way I think, be the me I have fought so hard to be. Dont believe me, its ok, I am ok with what ever you believe.  

Looking at the past, I now clearly see the disrespect that I had displayed to the general public including Wendy and am blown away about how blinded the anxiety had me. I look back and realize the pain that I caused Wendy and strangers. These feeling of realization are the new back bone to wanting to change also the sick feeling of suicide. (not going to commit suicide yet the feelings I feel from the harm I caused sparks the thoughts of suicide!)

I have questioned my self, is this because wendy is not in my life at this moment? is it because life has changed? NOPE NOPE NOPE!

It is because of the medication. This is me, My name is David and I am proud so say I am here to stay, no more unnecessary anxiety, no more bullshit of the past,I have too much life to live! 

……………. 

~ Deej 

Don’t hide 

I hide a lot of who I am

Fear still has a little grip

But each day, each hour, I feel 

Stronger, better, a little more confident. 

Every second, I’ll fight this feeling

Of insanity, insecurity, and lack of strength. 

Sometimes I see me as an inconvenience 

do I have the character traits that people like? 

But by myself, I love who I am

My soul shines through 

my voice, music and words 

If I just let go, stop hiding, maybe

You can see me too. 
……………………

I tell myself everyday 

     ” Don’t hide. 

Don’t hide the pain, the joy, the energy. 

Be amazing, and be all that you are. 

Sing loud, even if it’s off key

Say something when you don’t agree

If you’re happy, laugh out loud

Or sad, it’ll be ok, just let it out. 

If the people around you shout,

 or give you disrespect, 

Maybe it’s not the place in this world 

That you were meant to be. 

            Just please, in everything you do 

Don’t ever hide. ” 

Every word matters 

The second my mind was conscience this morning, my body did not hesitate. Every muscle group started complaining, moaning, and tingling from yesterday’s work. I could feel every new cut on my fingers, and the sensitive skin from too much sun. Even my face feels exhausted, partly from being exposed to hawaii’s blasting sun all day, but also possibly from all the grinning and laughing that accompanied the work. While I let my mind slowly wake, and raise my arms to stretch out the new sensations, I found myself smiling, even letting a small giggle pass through my lips. Realizing I feel delighted, even content. 

I let my mind wonder over my body, to each muscle, feeling the fatigue, the tight muscle and tendons. Like a gentle touch sliding from my finger tips up my arms over my shoulders. Gently messaging the new muscles in my chest, and down my hips. Wincing slightly as my mind discovers sore muscles in my thighs, down my calfs to the souls of my feet. Travelling deeper, past the sun kissed skin, and fascia that makes up my body, I let my mind explore my soul. There is something slightly renewed, awakened. I suddenly realize that anger is no longer at the forefront. Resentment no longer lingers. Like seeing a lit candle in a dark room, hope is flickering. I let my mind reach out to touch the wall that’s been so carefully assembled, and watched as it fell, crumbling around my feet. Slightly astonished, I couldn’t find the harsh reality, or the decor wall that was built with stinging words. I couldn’t find the dark corner that I so often let myself bask in. Although small, the candle of hope burning now reached every corner. Like painting a dark room white, I suddenly realized what was happening. Not once, in the last month have I been berated, belittled, discouraged. If I made a mistake, it wasn’t thrown back in my face. If I said the wrong thing, it wasn’t smeared on the wall with snickers and scoffs. I have been shown kindness, and patience. I’ve been soaking in the words that have been encouraging, nourishing, and loving. 

Words matter. Every word you say matters. So many times when we fight, or are angry we say harsh things, then five minutes later, realizing the impact of them, we try the phrase “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say that.” But it doesn’t matter, the damage has been done. Once the hard words penetrate, they don’t get easily erased by a simple phrase. The phrase becomes a feather in the wind, and we fight not to build a wall within ourselves. If it continues, the wall of defence gets deeper, stacked higher and thicker. Soon, our energy no longer feeds our own creativity, but is used to stand in defence, watching and waiting to ward off any incoming bullets. And instead of feeling hope for the day, all you can hope is that the next harsh phrase won’t be the one to send you over the edge into insanity. 

Say words that matter. Say words of encouragement, of hope, and love. If you don’t mean it, don’t say it. If you feel the desire to hurt someone, please find strength to walk away. Verbal abuse is easy, it’s often unseen, and slightly muted by reality. But it’s real, and can be stopped. 
~Deej 

Solitude. 

Let me grow. Let me feel. Let me cry if I need to, or laugh when I want. If I need to go, let me go. If you are mine, if you are my person forever, don’t hold on too tight. I will always be loyal, I will always be honest. I will make mistakes, but I will own them. I have so much love, so much passion, please don’t hold me back. Let me sing off key, let me walk around without shoes, let me drink coffee all day, let me be me. 
I know who I am. 


I know what I want. 

I am a lover, not a fighter. If you pick on me, I’ll defend my self,  but I won’t fight with you. I’ll drop everything and leave. Treat me with respect, with love, and compassion, and I will be yours forever. I won’t let you be mean to me, or my family or friends. 

I spent three years in a verbally abusive relationship. He controlled everything I did. He made the environment so hostile that I stopped singing, I stopped writing and drawing. I simply stopped being me. 

I follow my heart, I wear it on my sleeve and I like it that way. I’ll show my pain, my fear, my joy and triumph’s. Wearing it out for all to see sometimes causes pain, at times inlet myself be too vulnerable. But I now know that I am strong. I AM STRONG! 


I am really learning to love myself here. To listen to what I need, and to enjoy each moment. I have lots of time here, and I have to remember that I have lots of time for everything I want to do. I am blissfully enjoying each moment, even the emotional ones. 

Right now, I am working on a coffee farm. I have been here for a week, and yesterday was the first day I left the farm to do something else. The great thing – I didn’t feel any anxiety, deep sadness, or lost. For whatever reason, I feel this is exactly where I need to be. Every breath is cherished, and every task that’s needing to be done is welcomed. Its hard work, and most days by the time I get to bed, my mind and body are exhausted. I love it. I love the people here, even if I don’t know them that well.

 This is truly amazing, and the best therapy I could have ever given myself. The farm is off grid, so often times, I don’t have wifi. There is power, and running water, even a flushing toilet, but everything is outside. The kitchen, the shower, the bathroom. Most days are spent in the field, then we gather in the kitchen and make supper together, sharing our day, singing songs with the ukulele and trying to calm the kids fighting. 

Last night, we built a huge fire in the fire pit, and cooked homemade pizzas in cast iron pan. Watching the stars and listening to the birds sing their bedtime lalabyes. 

Therapy: just breath. Calm emotions. Happy thoughts. Stay gentle with myself, and focus on love. Stay in the moment. I could worry about money, or when I’m going to get to snorkel, or jump into the ocean. But I am enjoying each day so far. I have to remember that I have a ton of time here, and even though it’s going to go by very fast, each day is unique, and something different happens everyday. 

~Deej