Starting Block 

A summarized expression of the soul. 

Hello

It always amazes me how long I have to pause to think about who I am. Shouldn’t we know ourselves? Since starting this blog, I feel I have come a long way to understanding myself. Being confident is becoming effortless, and finding the right words to say out loud is easier. But this, this is just the beginning.

About me:

  • i. hate. shoes. just watch, i’m usually barefoot. and i only own one pair of shoes. only one.
  • i like singing. i’ll be checking out the t-shirts in walmart, and a good jam comes on, i forget i’m in walmart, and start singing along to said song louder then the radio….. usually until i catch someone looking at me funny, then i remember walmart is not a stage.
  • i love books. if i ever design a house, every room would have at least one wall full of shelves… just for books.
  • maybe this is why i like writing. give me paper and a pen or a keyboard, and i’ll tell you what i think. make me say it aloud? my words become unrecognizable. i’m also a bit shy, so if we are meeting for the first time, can we just stand in front of each other and text? ha.
  • really, i like art. the creativity in which people find to express themselves is enlightening.
  • water is a major healing tool for me. i don’t care if it’s a bathtub, a kiddie pool in the backyard, a lake, or an ocean. well, i’d prefer the ocean, but in times of crisis. any pool of water will do. Add a blunt, a GOOD cup of coffee, and i’ll feel better in a bit.
  • coffee. good coffee. real coffee. no, tim hortons does not count as coffee. yes, sometimes i still drink tim hortons resembling coffee liquid stuff.
  • i think this one really goes without saying…. chocolate. chocolate anything.
  • i am an avid traveller, adventurer, wonderer, explorer…. i live out of a backpack, and follow where my heart wants to go. my brother calls me a gypsy. i call myself a hippy gypsy.
  • i am in a constant battle with my body. i love it, i hate it. love seems to be winning lately tho.
  • i am loyal, to a fault sometimes. honest, trustworthy, and responsible. really, i’m a nice girl. weird maybe, i make sure my intentions are good, and i don’t take pleasure in your discomfort.

So why the blog? 

         Because I am needing some guidance, some clarity, to find a way through this maze in my head so I can start to embrace what’s in front of me. My (EX)boyfriend, the person I called my best friend for the past 3 years struggled the entire time with major depression and a high level of enxiety. Although I tried to help him through, the moments became too intense, and overwhelming. Through all the moment, I tried to help, but I got lost in his world. Lost in the chaos of his mind, and let his weakness take everything I had away.

HOW it started:

Is there a beginning? Maybe the day I was born, the way I was raised, or the struggles I went through. Maybe it started the day I got married, or lost my first baby, or the day I signed divorce papers.

Well, no matter how I got here, or where it started, I’ll bring you back to the beginning of 2016.

……………….

After quite an array of messy happenings, Dave was sitting on the couch in our shared apartment wondering if he would even be able to make it to the next day. With the overwhelming feeling of loss, we felt we had no other direction to go but to sell all of our possessions, and start a long journey to cross our own country on foot. We started walking across Canada on Feb. 19, 2016, and I tried to document every day that I could. All the interesting moments, the ups and the downs, to express what it’s like having a boyfriend suffering from depression, to maybe gain some guidance.

Unfortunately our walk was cut short after three months, and the blog I started painted a picture of the mess that I truly was out there on the trail. However, I didn’t want those days to go to waste, nor allow you to get lost in my own confusion, so I took the time to edit the posts, and am sharing the journey here. Once I catch you up on the background details, I will be keeping a daily blog highlighting the good days and the bad days in depression battle that Dave is still currently going through. It’s a tough battle, and anyone dealing with any sort of depression knows that through it, support is needed on a daily basis. As his main support, I need to make sure I am there for him, therefore I need to make sure that I am taken care of as well. That’s where you come in. By following, reading, sharing, and commenting I am able to lean on you as I paint you the picture of our world.

I am starting to believe that we are all live in a messy world. A world filled with grief and despair rather then love and understanding. Can we recreate a little bit of our world to see the sunlight? There is still so much good in this world, it’s a shame that we overlook the good things to highlight the bad.

I hope you enjoy my journey. As you read, I am being defined by every word I write.

~DeeJ

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