I can’t believe it’s over. If I didn’t have pictures of myself there, I would have thought it was all a dream. 
I have been trying for the last two days to right something epic. Poetry that would leave you wistful, tearful, and content. But my mind is still a muddle, it’s a wonder I can even understand my own notes, so I thought I would just write, and be completely straight with you. 

I fell in love. 
I fell in love with Hawaii. I fell in love with the land, the coffee field, the chickens, the sunrises and the sunsets. I fell in love with the joy I felt there, the peace and contentment that washed over me. I fell in love with all the happy hearted, soul solid, absolutely loving people. 

The point of going to Hawaii, was to escape from the harsh reality that I was living. To prove to myself that I could be the girl I once was, only stronger, and better. 

Looking back, I realize how hard I had to fight to get to this moment. The last five years have been rather shitty, but through all the experiences, I can boldly say, I have no regrets. 

So many milestones, experiences, and memories that will never be forgotten. Even though it ended in divorce, I get to say that I got the wedding of my dreams. Shopping with my mom for my dress, planning even the tiniest details for the day, being surrounded by my favourite people, and my dad walking me down the isle to the man I once loved, even giving in to the mother in law for a big catered reception that I didn’t want. Even if I never have any kids in this lifetime, I can say that I’ve experienced pregnancy. I went through cravings, watched as my belly grew, and my body changed. I experienced the pure joy as I saw my baby Ailey’s heartbeat on the ultrasound monitor, and had the strength to walk out of the doctors office two weeks later when they said it was no longer there. I had the strength to deal with the mental and physical pain of delivering my baby Jewel all alone in my bathtub for 8 solid hours at only three months along. I got to experience the pest control business, and be fantastic at it! To be in an apartment suite so full of cockroaches, it’s impossible to count. Armed with a face mask and chemical, and spray until I saw no more roaches running! I worked by butt off until I owned my own pest control business, and a Tacoma truck that I boldly, proudly drove around Saskatoon. I made more money in three months then I would have in a year at a job that I probably would have hated. I survived travelling Jamaica, Europe, Mexico, and Canada with the toughest person to travel with. I survived, even though he ditched me for a week with no communication in Jamaica, he would constantly throw our only available food away in anger, berated, belittled, and manipulated me in Europe, and left me at three various bus stations, and once in a pharmasave parking lot with my stuff,and the cat, scattered around for everyone to witness while we were crossing Canada. I got into a bad relationship, full of guilt, depression, and hatred, and it almost took everything I had in me. It almost took me. But with the help of my true friends, and definitely my family, I had the strength and courage to walk away. To not let it take the very last piece of me.

I am who I am because of all that. 

I had the bravery to hop on a plane to Hawaii, by myself, with nothing planned. Having the confidence that once I got there, I would know what to do. 

And I did. 
And dude, it was tight! 

So this year, it’s about me. I’ll fly solo, seeking everything my soul longs for. Peace, solitude, adventure…. love. Real love. Real friendships and respect. I’m going to put myself together again. I will go where my heart leads. 

And I left my heart in Hawaii……  

All I long for right now, is the coffee field. Being surrounded by the call of the roosters, the power of the Hawaii land, getting high on spliffs, and embracing all the smiles and joy that surrounded me there. 

I left to face my fear. To face the man that once took my soul, destroyed most of my possessions, and trampled on this kind heart that gave him everything. I left the safety of Hawaii to say goodbye to the lost girl I once was. To finally let go of the baggage and the depression. To move on to something greater. 

All I know in this very moment, is that Hawaii is not done with me yet, the land is calling me. 
~ Deej 


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